AND now a pre-Christmas public information bulletin about festive cons.

‘Tis the season when the unscrupulous try even harder than usual to relieve us of our cash, so we need to be on our guard.

Only the other day a crook stopped his car in Manchester Road, offered to sell somebody a laptop and mobile phone and then pulled a bait and switch.

His victim was left several hundred quid lighter and holding a rucksack containing a bottle of water and some cardboard.

The police say Christmas is a time when the unscrupulous often pounce on the unwary.

I agree, and I’ve been noting down some cases so Swindon Advertiser readers can avoid them and have as merry a Christmas as possible.

A good example is the fondness of certain con artists for pretending that shopping for Christmas provisions down at the supermarket is a relaxing, hassle-free and generally cheery experience.

Those behind this misinformation, otherwise known as people who own supermarkets, spread their message by putting on commercials full of happy families, usually the sort who wear matching Christmas sweaters and possibly some comedy antlers if they’re feeling a bit zany.

How they smile and laugh as they push their trolleys along bright, uncluttered aisles, occasionally passing similarly joyful and light-hearted groups.

Beware! In reality, nothing has changed since last year. You’ll still find yourself crammed unhappily in a place a bit like the waiting area of a slaughterhouse except with dodgy two-for-one offers, a slightly worse smell and no prospect of sweet oblivion at the hands of a bloke with a bolt gun.

Your best bet is to turn up at three in the morning when the crowds are a bit thinner. Either that or, assuming the supermarket is within walking or cabbing distance of your house, just turn up blind drunk.

Doing so will dull the pain, but you might end up coming home with powdered milk shake, pickled walnuts and a tin of metal polish rather than the turkey and trimmings you were sent out to buy.

Something else the owners of supermarkets and certain other shops say is that now is a great time to lay in all the drinks, chocolates, full-fat fancy cheeses and suchlike you’ll need for your celebrations, so as to avoid rushing around in a panic nearer the time.

Again, beware. All that’s going to happen is that you’ll drink all the booze and eat all the fancy stuff now, so you’ll end up buying it all over again – only next time you’ll have the DTs and a spare tyre that wouldn’t look out of place on a tractor.

Con artists are not confined to shops. It’s around this time of year that train operators make announcements such as: “The inflation-shattering increased fares we’re about to hit you with will be spent on improving our rolling stock, infrastructure and service.”

This can be roughly translated as: “Some of us are down to our last couple of Bentleys, you commuting peasants, so it’s time for us to stick our grasping claws into your pockets again. After all, it’s not as if you have a choice.”

Another phrase often bandied about by con-artists at this time of year is: “We’ve got a great new line-up for you this festive season.” The con-artists in question are in senior positions at certain TV companies.

What they tend to mean is: “We’ve got the usual stuff from the rest of the year but with tinsel on it. And we only made that because we can’t broadcast the usual repeats on account of half the cast members being in the nick or under a cloud of suspicion.”

 

  • WELL done to Swindon craft cider specialists Circle Cider, who have produced 300 bottles using heritage apples from Lydiard Park’s walled garden.

     

    I only wish my own attempts to make cider were as successful – or in any way successful. I tried to offload some of the last batch to a bloke I found shouting at pigeons in the park, but he angrily pointed out that he had standards. Then he cracked open another bottle of turps.