LAST week saw Steam host the Swindon Flood Exhibition, a drop-in advice event with input from Thames Water and the Environment Agency.

In the wake of that – no pun intended – I thought I’d offer some easily-digestible general advice for anybody worried about the problem. There are certain ways in which householders can ensure their homes and possessions are not washed away.

Firstly, try to ensure that you don’t live on an expanse of land that forms a bit of a dip.

Many unwary people are caught out in this way, usually because they assume that, what with drains having been invented thousands of years ago, excess water won’t be able to gather.

What those people fail to remember is that there are certain places where the powers that be haven’t quite grasped one or two basic concepts. These concepts include keeping drains clear and ensuring their size keeps pace with that of development on the surface.

It is also worth bearing in mind modern housing developments are sometimes built on swathes of land notoriously prone to flooding, even if lots of people ask: “Are you sure you should build on swathes of land notoriously prone to flooding?”

Should you be considering a move to a newish housing estate, consider looking up an old map of the area. Is the patch in question brown with lines on it, green with trees on it or blue with waves on it? Are there little drawings of fish, ducks and sea monsters?

If you really have your heart set on living in a high-risk location, or didn’t realise it was a high-risk location when you moved in, consider hiring a small excavator and digging a big trench around your house to catch any excess water.

Don’t worry about applying for planning permission, as by the time anybody comes to serve notice you’ll have a moat to keep them out.

Or you could borrow a favourite technique of flood-prone people in other parts of the world and jack your house up on big stilts – although this might prove prohibitively expensive.

If these options are not open to you, get together with neighbours and figure out a way to encourage the rich and important to live in the neighbourhood.

You could get in touch with a bent accountant and devise some sort of tax-avoidance scheme for them. Perhaps the wealthy could build enormous mansions covered in gold leaf and pebble-dashed with rubies, then insist they’re orphanages and claim back the construction costs.

Whatever method you choose, the crucial thing is that the rich folk’s houses are in place before the next flood season.

Then, as soon as there’s the slightest danger of a flood, millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money will be spent on protecting what is now a well-off area, while ordinary neighbourhoods are callously allowed to fend for themselves.

Just like last time.

Should you find your home under water, all you can hope to do is wait for the muck to recede and dry your property as best you can. You might want to enlist the help of various elected and unelected VIPs. There’ll be plenty around, as they tend to make their way from London for photo opportunities.

On average, the volume of hot air they produce is enough to remove all traces of moisture from a three-bed semi in about 15 minutes flat.

Hills are alive with sound of moaning

I COULDN’T get tickets to Fifty Shades of Grey but I wasn’t too disappointed.

According to fans of the books, it’s a bit tame. I can’t make that comparison as I haven’t read them.

I ordered the audio version online, but I think it must have come from a dodgy supplier. It looked official enough but the text seemed to be from the Reader's Digest Book of Household Maintenance and Repair, or possibly the Haynes Workshop Manual for a Fiat 126.

Anyway, I couldn’t get in to see the film because the cinema was full, but a mate of mine who once had a video shop offered me something he used to keep under the counter. Fifty quid and it was mine, he said.

There’s no title on the box, but apparently it’s set in Austria – and you know what those Teutonic smut-merchants are like. It’s got nuns, goats and even some men dressed as members of Hitler’s Army. Oh, and Julie Andrews.

And there was me thinking she was nice and wholesome.