IT’S time to bring back public bonfires by making us promise we’re not thick.

There was a time when every public fireworks display had a bonfire, but these days there are far fewer.

That’s because insurance companies are wary of their clients being sued by thick people.

A fireworks display can be put out of reach on a big platform which is accessible only by climbing some steps. This means thick people cannot reach the fireworks and attempt to use them as hand-warmers, sandwich fillings or tape them to their children’s pushchairs for illumination.

Unfortunately it is very difficult to put a great big bonfire on a platform, which means bonfires can be more easily reached. That’s why we still have public firework displays but not so many public bonfires.

This is bad news for people who aren’t thick and who believe no fireworks display is complete without an effigy of Guy Fawkes, some heat and some glowing embers to tell us when it’s time to go home.

If it were up to me, there’d be bonfires at all public displays and nobody would be allowed in unless they signed a Declaration of Non-Thickness in a large book at a booth staffed by a volunteer.

It would say something like: “I the undersigned, to hereby indicate my knowledge of the fact that fire is very hot indeed. I understand that fire is used to cook meat, for example, and that as I am made largely of meat, fire is likely to cook me. I also understand that even a little bit of fire, if applied to something flammable such as my clothing, can turn into a very big fire very quickly. “I therefore realise that going for a stroll in it, sticking my hand in it, licking it or otherwise putting my person in direct contact with it will likely not be good for my health and put other people in the vicinity right off their hotdogs and jacket potatoes.”

The Declaration of Non-Thickness could be applied wherever thick people and the threat of being sued by them spoil the fun.

We’d be able to take the huge, scarred Perspex barriers away from in front of things like interesting museum exhibits. Instead, there’s just be a book to sign before you were let in, saying: “I realise that getting myself caught in the giant 78-bladed threshing machine/loom/18th-Century cow-mincing apparatus would quite well lead either to my demise or a substantial reduction in my quality of life.

“Accordingly I shall refrain from trying to take selfies after climbing over the fence marked ‘Do Not Climb Over the Fence’ and sticking my head in the place marked ‘Do Not Stick Your Head Here.’” It’s a bit of a radical concept, I know, this business of suggesting people take responsibility for their own welfare.

But if enough of us get on board it might just work.