EXTRA strong beers and ciders could be banished from shop shelves in Swindon in a bid to deter street drinkers.

Apparently Suffolk police persuaded two thirds of Ipswich booze retailers to stop stocking the stuff. They report that drink-fuelled antisocial behaviour has dropped by half and Swindon might therefore follow suit.

Well, that’s me persuaded of the efficacy of such a policy, anyway.

It’s obvious that the street drinkers of Ipswich have seen the error of their ways. I know I would if I were a street drinker and found myself unable to find my tipple of choice at my usual outlet.

“Alas, I am undone,“ I’d say. “I had hoped to purchase a flagon of my favourite alcoholic beverage, Captain Psycho’s Chemistry Lab Brain-Eater White Cider with extra toxins, but I note that it is no longer available at this establishment. That is a shame because I was saving up the labels to send off for a set of novelty stick-on skin disease manifestations.

“However, clearly I now have no option but to cease and desist my street drinking at this very moment, never to resume my disgusting habit or the shameful behaviour to which it has made me prone. Instead, I shall become a productive member of society and secure full-time employment forthwith.

“In addition, I shall inquire about voluntary work and perhaps finish writing that slim volume of poetry I was working on before I took to staggering around the town centre, shouting incoherently, losing control of my bodily functions and threatening passers-by.

“On no account shall I simply relocate a few hundred yards away to a residential area where a shop still sells Captain Psycho’s, and on no account shall I continue my anti-social behaviour there, enabling the authorities to boast of a significant reduction in town centre crime.

“No indeed; I’m a changed man, and this policy is far more effective than, say, actually chucking violent, threatening drunks in the clink. And of course, it’s in no way unfair to those perfectly blameless, law-abiding people who simply like the taste of Captain Psycho’s, or else use it to de-rust car parts.

“Nor is it unfair to other perfectly blameless, law-abiding people who like the occasional small bottle of Duvel or other high quality strong beer...”

Like a lot of journalists, I’m sometimes accused of cynicism, but I think this possible new policy is something we should all support wholeheartedly, just as we should support Whitehall’s new super-duper plan to tackle illegal online pornography.

Forget the idea of tracing the vermin who look at the stuff and telling them: “Congratulations! You have been caught deliberately accessing images that represent horrors beyond description, and your prize is 25 years in a cell.”

That wouldn’t be any sort of deterrent.

No, let’s keep letting them off but ensure that when they do click on something illegal they’re met by a little pop-up saying: “You are being very naughty.”

That’ll show ‘em – and it’ll also prove to us that our masters really care and wouldn’t stoop to cheap distractions that solve nothing.