FIRST Great Western has been named Rail Business of the Year.

Many of the Swindon Advertiser readers who were greeted with that headline the other day got in touch.

Some feared they’d inadvertently passed into an alternate universe. They were scared to open the curtains in case they discovered something really weird, like that Star Trek episode in which the Roman Empire had never ended.

Or the Ray Bradbury story where there’s a fascist dictatorship because some bloke went back in time to the Late Cretaceous and trod on a butterfly.

They were wrong to worry, though, as First Great Western really has been named Rail Business of the Year, even though it’s only a few months since passengers in a Which? survey were generally about as cheery as turkeys hearing the distant jingle of approaching sleigh bells.

The accolade was handed out during the Rail Business Awards, which are given by the rail industry itself.

This prompted some rather cynical commentators to suggest the accolade was perhaps a teeny weeny bit meaningless.

I couldn’t disagree more with that point of view, and I reckon my opinion should carry more weight than an average person.

You see, I am officially the Most Handsome and Charismatic Man in the World.

The award was handed to me only the other week during the swish Best Bloke Awards ceremony, which was held at a local pub.

My fellow contestants and I decided at an early stage that the public should not be allowed to take part in the voting process or even the nominations, as the public lacks the necessary discernment.

Instead, it was agreed that only people in the running for awards - me and people I know - should be allowed to decide who should receive an award.

As you might imagine, the category of Most Handsome and Charismatic Man in the World is the most prestigious of all in the Best Bloke Awards, so competition was especially stiff.

The final shortlist included not just me but the likes of a bloke I know called Dandruff Dave on account of his shoulders having a thicker dusting of white powder than Tony ‘Scarface’ Montana’s coffee table.

There was also Hideous Bob, who was once barred from a tour of the house in The Amityville Horror because the demons were frightened of him. And let’s not forget Scabby Joe, who had to obtain special permission to enter the pub because he’s banned by a court order from all premises in which crisps are consumed from open containers.

As if my victory in the Most Handsome and Charismatic Man in the World category was not enough of an honour, I also beat all comers in the Most Luxuriant Head of Hair category, the Not in the Slightest Bit Overweight category and the Least Cynical Demeanour category.

That’s why I’m so qualified to congratulate First Great Western on its achievement.

It’s also why I think there should be similar award schemes for other branches of human endeavour.

To choose an example at random, if you seem to have landed taxpayers with a seven-figure bill by failing to prevent heaps of unprocessed garbage from building up on land you own, get together with other organisations in similar situations and start handing one another feel-good accolades.

  • LAST week a Swindon firm was hit with a heavy fine over missed VAT payments.

    The payments in question weren’t money owed in tax, but rather money demanded by the Revenue as a deposit on future tax payments.

    This demand - entirely lawful - was made because the owner of the company had been involved with another firm that failed to make payments.

    If you are the owner of a small to medium-sized business, you may be wondering how to avoid finding yourself in a similar position.

    The obvious answer is to hand over such sums as are requested by HMRC.

    Failing that, you could always attempt to build a massive international corporation, become etremely, obscenely rich, completely fail to pay your fair whack and then act as if nothing has happened.

    If you’re wealthy enough, powerful enough and have the right connections, the chances are that the taxman will let you off without prosecution, so long as you pay a token sum back after you’re caught.

    The same goes for any bent bankers whose help you enlist.

    You might also want to say it was all a big mistake, and that everyone does it.

    Please note, however, that this only works if the sum owed is well into the tens of millions.

    If it’s only in the thousands or the hundreds, you could end up losing your business and your house, and your employees could end up on the dole.

  • SMOKEFREE South West director Fiona Andrews has again spoken out in favour of plain cigarette packaging. She did so as the legislation headed for a House of Lords vote.

    The tobacco industry is against the proposed change, saying it will make no difference to consumers.

    As an ex-smoker I realise this is no longer my circus or my monkey, but I have to say I believe the tobacco firms entirely.

    After all, if one thinks a piece of legislation will do precisely nothing, the logical thing to do is...err...spend millions of pounds opposing it...

  • FOUR years after proposals for a West Swindon skate park, building work has yet to begin.

    This is in spite of a budget being in place and a location having been chosen.

    I only hope progress is made soon, or the opening ceremony is going to be a bit of a letdown. For one thing, all the skaters who initially campaigned for a skate park won’t be able to use it because skating plays hell with their lumbago, sciatica and bunions.

    For another, anybody young enough to skate will have moved on to hoverboards like the ones in Back to the Future.

    Still, I hope the skate park is still built, however long it takes.

    I’ve never seen a senior citizen attempt to negotiate a half-pipe on a mobility scooter, but I reckon it’d be something worth waiting for.