THERE has been 50 per cent drop in the number of nightclubs in the last decade according to the latest figures, and Swindon is no exception to the trend, write BARRY HUDSON.

Any number of reasons have been put forward to account for the phenomenon, but I’m not concerned with that here.

What I am concerned with is that the figures suggest old-fashioned clubs are closing nineteen to the dozen, leaving vast swathes of young people without some wonderful experiences previous generations took for granted.

If you happen to be a young person, don’t despair. There’s nothing to stop you from having an old-fashioned nightclub evening in your home with a few friends. This is easier if you have your own house or flat, but if not you could always encourage your folks to go out for the evening.

You and your friends should begin by approaching your home. Ensure you have complete alternative outfits in carrier bags.

At your doorstep, tell yourselves you can’t get in on account of having the wrong brand of trainers, a football top or the wrong colour of socks.

At this point you have two options. You can either go around the corner, change and come back or else argue with yourselves. If you’re aiming for a more modern nightclub experience, with trained and officially vetted door staff, be sure to argue with yourselves in a non-aggressive manner with plenty of negotiation and neuro-linguistic programming techniques.

On the other hand, if you’re aiming for a more old school experience, imagine you’re on steroids and then attack yourselves.

The women should twist their own arms up their backs and walk away down the garden path, screaming obscenities.

The men, if fairly athletic, should try bending themselves double, pulling their jackets over their heads so their arms are trapped, and then kneeing themselves repeatedly in the face. Less athletic men should improvise, perhaps by taking a big stone from the garden rockery and hitting themselves with it.

If you elect to change your clothes and enter, the first order of business is to put on some music. Ideally you will have planned ahead by downloading a two-hour playlist containing precisely three tracks that everybody half likes and four dozen that nobody can stand.

Next, pour yourselves some drinks. Again, it is best to plan ahead and get hold of plenty of the cheapest, nastiest brands available. Everyone in receipt of a drink should then take a five pound note from their wallet or purse and tear it up. They should repeat this every time they take a drink.

If people are dancing, every few minutes somebody should pass among them with a full pint and spill it.

When everybody is nicely relaxed, it will be time to head to the bathroom for some stimulants. As inviting drug dealers on to your premises is dangerous because they tend to nick your furniture, you and your friends will have to pretend.

Simply tear up some more money, hand yourselves the drugs and take them. Obviously, they’re not real drugs, as having real drugs would be both dangerous and inauthentic.

Instead, snort anything from porridge oats to powdered milk, just like the old people used to pay about fifty quid for in real clubs.

And afterwards don’t forget to agree with your friends how strong it is.

For extra authenticity later in the evening, dress as a predatory though rather tragic middle-aged person of your preferred gender and try to chat yourself up.

Finally, remember to meet up again 20 years from now and talk about how wonderful your experience was, and how young people today have no idea.