'Autism made me vulnerable'

WE all struggle to navigate relationships’ choppy waters, attempting in vain to read between the lines, decipher veiled meanings and interpret intentions.

But for women with autism already grappling with the subtleties of body language, social interactions and daily conversations, the dating game can be fraught with pitfalls and in the most disturbing cases lead to violence and abuse.

To allow women with an Autism Spectrum Condition (ASC) to build loving relationships safely and understand where to draw the line, SEQOL’s award-winning autism service has now released the Developing Healthy Relationships pack.

The 60-page booklet aims to help charities, autism support groups, the police and other emergency services to educate young women and discuss the dos and don’ts of dating, what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour and ensure they do not unwittingly place themselves at risk of harm, cruelty or violence.

“Recently we’ve seen an increasing number of young women coming forward to be diagnosed,” says Dr Sue Smith, SEQOL’s professional lead for autism. “They would tell us their story and increasingly it would tell a very sad tale of relationship problems, misunderstanding signals and sometimes getting themselves in dangerous situations.

“Words can be misunderstood and young women may find themselves agreeing to things without really understanding the outcome. Some people suddenly find themselves in situations where they are accused of teasing or flirting when they have not been doing it. We see women who are raped and abused.

“If somebody said, ‘Would you want to come up for a cup of coffee?’, a person with autism would take things very literally.

“They might not understand there’s a hidden meaning beneath the words.

“As a service we were aware of these young women’s vulnerability and we put a bid forward to produce the pack.”

In 2014-2015 SEQOL assessed 24 women with autism from Swindon and three from Wiltshire.

This year alone the service has diagnosed or is due to see 13 new women from Swindon and two from Wiltshire.

Produced thanks to a £12,000 grant from the Department of Health’s Autism Innovation Fund, the booklet is broken down into six specific “sessions” to be run by charities and autism services, offering advice on different aspects of dating and relationships.

At the end of every session, activities are recommended to reinforce each message and lesson learnt.

The themes include ‘Boundaries’ or saying yes and no, ‘The Dating Game’– how to read the signs and understand the difference between friendship and dating – and ‘The Physical Stuff’, which covers sex.

The pack also provides tips regarding drugs and alcohol use, as well as sexual offences.

The booklet was initially compiled by speech and language therapist Helen Diss with teenagers in mind but she soon realised many women in their 20s and 30s whose condition may have gone unnoticed for decades could benefit from the advice and information.

“Women on the spectrum are skilled at copying other women and the things they do socially, to fit in, but they don’t really understand those things so it makes them more vulnerable” she says.

“They can be easily led and they don’t know where the boundaries lie or they might not say no when something doesn’t feel right.

“It would be wonderful if the pack could be preventative. If we could get in there early and have these conversations, we could empower women and give them the knowledge and information to make their own choices. It’s about building the strength of their judgment, with all the bits of information and knowledge it should be based upon.”

After decades spent manoeuvring a social world often alien to her, Tamara Wiebols was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome aged 36 two years ago.

The diagnosis shed light on years of relationship woes, finally explaining her inability to pick up on innuendos or question her partners’ suspect motives.

“When I was in my mid-teens I was going after much older men, five or six years older, and that can make you more vulnerable,” says the 38-year-old administrator from Freshbrook. “I’ve been in tricky situations because I misread the signs. I remember when I was 16, one of my ex-boyfriends asked me to wear a skirt. We had been going out for a few months and it was his birthday. We had not been intimate at that point. He was trying to get me into bed. People may have ulterior motives but you don’t pick up the signs. You try to please people and be obliging.

“As a youngster I didn’t pick up on innuendos, sarcasm, or jokes. I had to ask people ‘What do you mean by that? Why is that funny?’ I took people at face value but not so much now.”

Years of lessons learnt the hard way and self-discipline have made her “streetwise”, but she is keen to spare young women what she went through.

“I’ve been married before and my ex-husband was quite mentally abusive. I think he saw where my weakness was and he knew how to manipulate that. If I had known I had Asperger's I might have got the help I needed. I blamed myself. People like him chip away at you and your self esteem little by little.”

The pack, she hopes, will allow women to spot the traps and stay out of harm’s way.

“Although I’ve made all these mistakes I would not go back to correct them because it’s made me stronger. But it would help women to get that strong foundation.”

The pack will be distributed to various schools, dedicated groups including Swindon College, New College, Priory as well as the police and fire brigades.

Autism charity DASH is among the local organisations hoping to take the information on board and start a dialogue with its users.

“They may put themselves in very dangerous situations on social media – they may not realise what they’re saying on Facebook or Twitter and reveal too much about themselves and people could try to exploit them,” says DASH manager Adrian Embling. “They don’t see a reason that somebody would lie to them so whereas we would get these alarm bells ringing, they don’t. Many of our clients have got into serious trouble.”

While likely to fall prey to scammers or sexual predators, women on the autistic spectrum may also inadvertently get carried away, potentially landing themselves in hot water with the law.

“If somebody is really nice to them, polite or seems interested in them – it could be anyone they meet at the job centre, someone they buy coffee from – they could develop the idea that person is in love with them,” adds Adrian. “They’ve just misunderstood. But that person could find their attention invasive and go to the police. This had led people into the criminal justice system; they’ve had ASBOs or restraining orders. We don’t want to shut down their opportunities to develop relationships or scare them but we need them to be safe.

“At the end of the day it’s about learning. We can’t put people with autism in a protected bubble all their lives so we have to discuss how to behave safely.”

To find out more about the pack email autism.team@seqol.org or visit www.seqol.org.