FAMILY LIFE

A Clinical psychologist and parentingcoach Dr Laura Markham, author of Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets Of Stress-free Parenting (Vermilion, £12.99), says: “10-year-olds have a lot on their minds, and different priorities, and don’t understand why it’s so important to do what you’re asking right this minute.

“Don’t start talking until you have your child's attention. Connect before you start speaking. That means you can’t bark orders from across the room and expect to get through.

“Instead, move in close. Get down on your child’s level and touch him lightly. Observe what he’s doing and connect with him by making a comment about it. Wait until he looks up. Then start talking.

“If you’ve asked once and not received a response, don’t just repeat yourself. You don’t have your child's attention. Go back to the first step, above.

“Use fewer words. Most of us dilute our message and lose our child’s attention by using too many words.

“See it from his point of view. If you were busy with something and your partner ordered you to do something else, you might tune out your partner. It will help immensely if you acknowledge how much he wants to keep doing whatever he’s doing.

“Engage cooperation. Giving orders always stimulates resistance. When possible, give choices.

“If you need it done NOW, phrase it as a command, but keep the warmth and empathy.

“Stay calm. When we get upset, kids get distracted by our emotion and lose sight of our message. If your priority is getting your son into the car, don’t waste energy lecturing him about why he didn’t listen to you and get ready.

“Take a deep breath and help him on with his backpack. Once you’re in the car, you can ask him to help you brainstorm ways to get out of the house on time.

“Listen. Do you look at your phone while your child tells you about his day? Be sure you’re role modelling the listening you want from your child.”