The author of a new report on 'mum friends' tells Lisa Salmon there's nothing that can make or break friendships more than motherhood

From playgroup parents to school-gate mums, most women have found themselves part of new friendship groups after the arrival of children.

In many cases, the new friends they make aren't necessarily ones they'd have chosen had children not been part of the picture. Nevertheless, these often-convenient friendships can mean a great deal to many mums, according to new research.

The Lancaster University study has found that having children is the single most significant factor in altering women's friendships - for better and for worse.

Sociologist Dr Anne Cronin, who led the research, says: "Having children, or having friends who had children, radically changes women's friendship groups.

"Women make connections with other women through antenatal groups, playgroups, school, etc, and these friendships are very different from other friendships women have because they're very much based on shared experiences and difficulties. Mums said they were a real lifeline for them to share the things they were going through, that nobody else could really understand.

"These strong bonds were created through the feelings for their own children, and the trust they developed through doing things like sharing childcare strengthened their bonds even more."

However, it's not all good news for mums on the friendship front, as while they're making new mum friends, they're often losing older friends who don't have kids.

"Some women found that they lost a lot of friendships, partly because they didn't have enough time, energy or finances to maintain them, and others found that when their friends had children, they just talked about their kids all the time, and the women without kids found it boring."

Indeed, one of the 40 people who took part in the study said: "Then she had children and our friendship changed dramatically. She became very child-focused and that was quite difficult because she'd talk about her children all the time and I didn't.

"In astronomical terms, she's like a dying star of a friendship."

The length of time that mum friendships last varies - they're often long-lasting if children go on to the same schools, but may be lost if children go to different schools.

And if they've lasted till children go to secondary school, or even university, a deep friendship may have formed which could dwindle and be lost after the children move on, the study found.

"That friendship bond, which had grown incredibly strong, was actually incredibly fragile, because it was a form of friendship that was made through the children, and women created their own identity and sense of what it was to be a mother through them," explains Dr Cronin.

"So they felt they were losing their children, their friends, and a sense of their own self as well."

However, children flying the nest, or simply going to different schools, doesn't automatically mean mum friends lose touch. Continuing with such friendships does mean women have to make a conscious effort though, and develop new ways to meet, instead of simply seeing each other with the kids.

"They need to start doing more 'adult' things, like going out for a drink," says Dr Cronin.

"So the form of the friendship changes, but the thing that glued it together is still there, it's just that mums might talk about how they feel about their children moving schools, or leaving home and going to university.

"In the study, there were a few really long friendships that carried on, but there were more that broke apart when the children's situation changed, and the mothers tended to be very upset about that."

Dr Cronin says that because mum friendships are based on connections made through children, they can sometimes also invade the intimacy of the couple or family, with mum friends often becoming part of the domestic unit through shared childcare and mutual exchanges of support.

She says: "The phrase 'you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends' is something we often hear. But mum friends aren't exactly chosen - unless it's by the kids' own choice of friends - and yet they can become friends for life.

"Mum friendships can involve sharing everything - childcare, emotional upheavals, worries and pleasures - maybe even more than you'd share with family or your partner."

Justine Roberts, chief executive of Mumsnet, agrees that mum friends are very special.

"When you've got tiny kids, knowing some people who are happy to chat about post-birth stitches or nappy contents can be a bit of a lifesaver - your child-free mates won't necessarily share your fascination with all things baby.

"Some of these new friendships may be transitory, but others turn out to be deep and lasting, even when you've moved beyond a mutual interest in weaning foods and toddler groups. Time and again on Mumsnet, we see our users making friendships that outlive the preschool stage and are still going strong when tiny children have somehow become strapping teenagers."

ASK THE EXPERT

Q: "At what age should I let my baby start using a cup, and what are the best things to put in it?"

A: Dietician Elaine Gardner, author of the British Dietetic Association's Introducing a Cup to an Infant's Diet policy, says: "A baby can start to learn how to drink from a cup when they can sit up and hold their head steady, at around five to six months.

"If bottle feeding, a cup should fully replace a bottle at one year of age. A child's plastic cup with two handles and no lid is best.

"Cups and beakers that can be turned upside down and don't allow liquid to flow out freely contain non-drip (spill) valves. These encourage a baby to suck and don't teach them how to develop the skill of sipping, which is important in the development of the muscles used for babbling and talking. A free-flow lidded beaker is better if you're using a lid.

"Lidded cups encourage sugary drinks to be in contact with teeth over longer periods. Initially many parents unnecessarily prefer to use a lidded beaker to avoid mess, but any lid should be removed to make an open cup as soon as possible, and certainly when the infant has learned how to drink.

"Start with a small amount of tap water or milk (either breast or formula) in the cup. From one year of age, they can also have full fat cow's milk.

"Babies don't need any type of juice, including baby juice. If you do decide to give juice, dilute one part pure juice with at least 10 parts water. Any other drinks, including squash, flavoured milks, smoothies and fizzy drinks aren't recommended for babies or toddlers. If you give these they should be restricted to mealtimes, and given in an open cup. Squash should be very well diluted.

"Milk and water are the best drinks for them."

NICE FOR NURSING

Medela Breastfeeding Starter Set

Handy accessories for breastfeeding, including a teat, bottles, nursing pads, nipple cream, a microwave bag, and Pump & Save bags. Available from Mothercare and Amazon, £24.99.

Baroo Nursing Pillow

With removable machine-washable cotton covers, this pillow is ideal for supporting mum's back and shoulders while keeping baby in a comfy position when breast or bottle feeding. Available from www.baroo.co.uk, £21.99.

Lansinoh mOmma Bottle & NaturalWave Teat

Designed for use alongside breastfeeding, the NaturalWave teat promotes baby's instinctive sucking action for natural oral development, helping parents give baby expressed breast milk. Available from John Lewis, Babies R Us, Mothercare and Ocado, priced £4.49.