Where is the love?

I have been married for more than 30 years and, strange as it might seem, there have rarely been any moments of love between us that I can recall.

We have two grown-up daughters who have moved on and have given us grandchildren to be proud of. But my wife, who is not a bad person, finds it extremely difficult to show any love or affection towards me or our kids.

We haven’t had any physical contact for the past 20 years. In fact, we rarely speak to each other and have never fallen out or had an argument.

I have said to her a few times that maybe we should seek marriage guidance, but she immediately clams up and says absolutely nothing for weeks.

My kids adore both of us, but they know something is not right with her, and with us.

As I write this, I wonder will anyone actually believe me because to the outside world she would seem to be a lovely person. Over the years, I found that when I would meet up with friends, she would be left sitting on her own simply because she will not converse with others.

I think I have been a good provider but maybe I am the problem?

I am really trying and I don’t want to leave, but I would really love to be loved before I die. W. S.

Fiona says: The fact you’ve contacted me seems to indicate you’ve reached the end of your tether with your relationship. You don’t say whether your wife has mental health problems or not, but your description of her behaviour indicates she might have, so do seek help from your doctor.

You say there have only been rare moments of love between you, but the fact there have been some and that she is adored by your children indicate it’s something she is capable of.

So what has gone wrong and when did it happen?

Perhaps her behaviour was triggered by untreated post-natal depression, for example.

You can go alone for marriage guidance and I certainly think it would help you. Do talk to your daughters so they are aware of the situation; it will give them a better understanding of the situation, whether or not you decide to leave.