The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and he was on top of me

WHAT scared me the most was knowing he had planned it. He came to the pub with the drugs on him. He knew exactly what he was going to do that night.

All I had the next morning was that image of him on top of me, but I thought I had dreamt it. I could see him, but I couldn't remember the weight of him. I thought if it had really happened I would have been able to push him off, to tell him to stop.

My mind was blank. It took two years for me to get flashbacks and remember what happened that night. He took that control from me, he took my memories.

We bumped into each other in town, 18 or 20 years ago, and he asked if I wanted to go for coffee to catch up. I said yes; I never thought twice about it. It was nothing out of the ordinary. We had known each other since we were about eight years old. I didn't know him well, but we had been part of the same group of friends. Then, he said there was a disco at the old pub we used to go to when we were younger, the old gang was going to be there. I thought it would be nice to catch up with everyone.

When I got there he asked me if I wanted a drink. I had three or four sips of my glass of wine but I don’t know what happened after that. The next thing I can remember is being in a taxi. It was very strange. It was almost like I had woken up laughing. I couldn't remember leaving the pub or getting in the taxi. When we got to my front door, I remember him saying, 'I will take you in the flat' and I said, 'No, I'm OK'. I was going in and out of consciousness. I fell over a bin laughing. I can remember thinking, why is my body not working? I know my neighbour came downstairs, she was annoyed about the noise. It was really out of character for me to be like this. She knew it. I had never brought anyone home before. I can't remember anything after that. The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and he was on top of me. I tried to talk but I couldn't. I couldn't even move my hands, or legs, I was paralysed. I woke up in the morning thinking, why do I have no clothes on? I had marks on my body but I couldn't figure out why.

My neighbour came down to complain. She was really cross with me. She said my headboard was banging against the wall all night. I didn't know what she meant at first.

Then I realised what happened and I was in pieces. I called his house but he never returned my call. I went searching my flat to see if I could find clues. But it was like he had never been there. The only thing he had dropped was a handkerchief on the bedroom floor. I hadn’t dream it, he was here.

But I didn't go to the police. I just thought it was going to sound like I was drunk. None of it made sense, I couldn't remember what happened and I thought they wouldn't believe me.

And I felt disgusted, embarrassed and stupid for putting myself in such a vulnerable position. I blamed myself. I was normally so careful. I never let people buy me drinks. I never got drunk, I always kept myself safe.

My friends told me afterwards that I was falling over all over the place in the pub. It was out of character, but they had not seen me for a while. They thought maybe I had changed. Apparently he was going round telling people I had had one too many and that he would take me home. He played it down.

It's only after a year or so that I started getting flashbacks, bit by bit. I used to have horrific nightmares.

But it all came flooding back at once, later. I was in town shopping with one of my friends. We had stopped for coffee and he walked past us. That night I went to bed and it all came back.

I know he's out there but I don't want to go to the police now. It's his word against mine. And I don't want to relive it. It's my way of surviving and coping. But you never forget. I wish I didn't have flashbacks. They catch you off guard at the worst times. You don't deserve to go through it again and again but you can't stop it. Juts six months ago I saw someone who looked like him and I had this knotted, sick feeling in my stomach. You just start panicking.

If it hadn't been for Breaking Free [a charity which offers counselling to survivors of sexual abuse] I don't think I would be here today.

I hit a point where I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I used to think I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to relive or think about it anymore. It affected my relationships. Trust is a big thing, even with female friends. I struggled to let people in and I still do now.

He knows that I know what he did to me. I confronted him ten years ago.

I see him from time to time; he always crosses the road. It's awful and I feel sick when I see him. I was at a restaurant with daughter a few years ago. We had ordered our food when he walked in. It's like being on a rollercoaster and hitting a big bump; you feel like you're going to faint or vomit. I didn't want to scare my daughter so I just sat there. It was the longest half hour of my life. He was with his girlfriend and she must have noticed that I was staring at him because she said something to him and they left. As she walked past me I said to her, ‘Watch your drink’. I think he thought I would say more. I could never have spoken to that girl before going to Breaking Free. But I wanted to take back control. I just wanted him to see I wasn't so scared of him anymore.

I'm stronger and I know, now, that I did nothing wrong.

To get in touch with Breaking Free or make a donation visit www.breakingfreesupport.co.uk or call 01793 514339.

Breaking Free will be collecting funds at a special DJ event, A Touch of Class Affair, raising awareness of sexual abuse and grooming at Lava Lounge on Fleet Street on Friday, December 16. Doors open at 9.30pm.

Breaking Free's tips to stay safe during the festive season

Stick with your friends.

Make a plan before you go out. Set up checkpoints or codewords to make it easy for you and your friends to stay connected.

Hold on to your drink—even when you go to the bathroom.

If your drink is out of your sight, even for a few seconds, get a new one.

Spiking a drink with a date rape drug can happen quickly. Don’t accept a drink from anyone—unless you can watch the bartender pour it.

Don’t share drinks.

Don’t drink from punch bowls or open containers.

Don’t drink anything that tastes strange.

Avoid clubs or parties that charge men but let women enter and drink for free.

Always keep your cellphone charged and on you. You never know when you’ll need it.

Make sure you always have a ride home or a plan to walk home with a friend or roommate.

Trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right to you, leave and get to a safe place immediately.