Joe Theobald, aka DJ Captain Wormhole, Looks at all things vinyl 

CHRISTMAS carols. They’re all a bit rubbish really. Just novelty songs with no riddim and they’re mainly for old countryside people who go to church and annoying children in villages who want money for energy drinks and gob stoppers.

But are there any good ones?

Obviously there are tons of dope Xmas radio joints; the weird one about the cavalry, Driving Home for Christmas etc. But are there actually any decent God squad pieces?

I’ve chosen a few stand out numbers that I feel either rise above the dross or are just perfect examples of the form.

First pick on my Chrimbo countdown is Joy to the World, what a banger. Written in 1719 by the English hymn writer Isaac Watts, this feel-good choral killer is guaranteed to get sensible M&S flats tapping away on pews across the Home Counties this festive season. A bonafide yuletide sound system banger, turn those organs up to 11!

Next up it’s Away in a Manger. This one conjures up distant fond memories, wearing a tea towel or paper crown, belting out the lyrics in a monotonous drone to a sea of approving camcorders. Great times at Brookfield Primary.

The Twelve Days of Christmas. I don’t actually like this one. It’s tedious, you just go through the motions, like Donkey Kong 64, just repeating the same tasks over and over. Massively overrated imho.

Silent Night. Solid, dependable, pretty easy to learn if you’re planning on hitting the doorsteps.

Finally, I guess I’d probably pick We Three Kings of Orient Are (only just learnt that’s the full title) as my favourite. Yes, Joy to the World has me hunting out my Birkenstocks to hit the parquet floor down the local Evangelical but there’s just something about that sombre melancholy the three kings conjure in my soul.

It’s a hauntingly spiritual joint, the musical equivalent of liberty caps in the ruins of Glastonbury Abbey on a frosty December morning.