Joe Theobald, aka DJ Captain Wormhole, Looks at all things vinyl 

THIS one’s for all the cute couples out there — Wormhole’s smoothest beats, songs for lovers, sounds to get you down, jingles for when you ain’t singles, hot wax to spin on your decks that could be sponsored by the good old folks at Durex...

Basically because Valentine’s Day is next week I’ve done a list of love songs.

5. All The Way Lover – Millie Jackson Millie doesn’t accept half measures when it comes to love. “Pretty good ain’t good enough”. This steamy 10 minute performance covers all the angles and motions, examining the failures of modern romance and concluding affairs with a suitably dirty climax. You can practically hear her set the cigarette ablaze while the music fades out. Smooth.

4. Sex Style – Kool Keith This title track from Keith’s 1997 second studio album is pornographic in its honesty. The undoubtable influence of de Sade permeates, Thornton ravishes the mind with his unique and illustrious hip-hop style. Such coarse sensuality denies even the ignorant listener any doubt of direct lineage from Byron, a ravine of passion cutting clean through the ages, unfurling in minute grooves upon this late ‘golden era’ concept album. Radiant.

3. My Love Is Reserved – Darrell Banks He may have died in Detroit and hailed from Ohio but you’d be forgiven for grouping Mr Banks in with the Philly soul sound after spinning this one as it’s rather cheesy and soft. Still, it ticks off that lovey-dovey soul box.

Interestingly, Banks was shot and killed by a policeman he discovered having an affair with his girlfriend. Worth half a second’s thought while you sit staring lovingly into the eyes of ‘the one’ over a chicken biryani next Tuesday. Hot.

2. A$$ & T!t**’s – DJ Assault An ode to the forme féminine; bold, beautiful and complex as a sonnet from the Bard himself. This Barolo of a beat is likely Assault’s most heartfelt rendering in a career defined by devotion to the many facets of womankind. Set to a classic B-More beat, the loquacious producer paints a vivid, fleshy view of Rubenesque vigour and hubris. Cool.

1. When I Come Knocking – Poncho C Saint Fingers It’s times like the time you first get to hear a track like When I Come Knocking that you remember just how good it is to be alive. There’s a good chance you’ve never even heard of Poncho C Saint Fingers as he’s the definitive one hit wonder, but this 1980 single released on Greasy Records is seven inches of hot boogie heaven, guaranteed to thaw out your innards on even the coldest February morning. Ready Brek for your ears. Nice.