FORGET the macho man's sports coupe and done-to-death motorcycle splurge, Justin Moorhouse does not deal in clichés. When midlife crisis strikes - and it is nearly at his door - he intends to go off his rocker in a spectacular, headline-grabbing fashion.

"If I'm going to have a midlife crisis I want borderline breakdown," he says without hesitation. "I want to be found semi- naked in Aldi throwing chicken wings at people. I want the local paper to report it. If you're going to go crackers half way through your life, do it properly. Don't just get a sports car. There's more to life than that."

Justin has been feeling his age for quite some time now. He was faced with his own mortality when his defective hip gave up on him and had to be replaced. To make matters worse the staunch vegetarian and animal lover accidentally killed a rabbit and a badger - which sparked an outpouring of guilt (he actually wiped out a third mammal but insists he's already revealed too much).

His latest show Destiny Calling is his irreverent and 100 per cent un-PC ABC to "getting old disgracefully."

"I got to 45 and I thought to myself 'I'm probably half way through my life, and I say that on stage. Every time people look at me like 'That's slightly ambitious'," chuckles the Mancunian stand-up, who performed his first gig at the age of 29. "I decided to take a bit of stock.

"It's all about the pathetic midlife crisis men go through and I compare and contrast that with the physiological changes women have to go through."

Reaching middle age may be fraught with daily indignities and Justin has already paid a hefty price - but his advanced years have taught him a useful lesson: simply accept he'll never be a lady killer and not care one jolt either way.

"On stage I wear trainers, jeans and a tank top, that's really because I realised when I reached my 40s that women don't look at me that way anyway. They look at me and go, 'Yeah if he was driving and I broke down and it was raining, I'd get a lift off him. And even if he tried anything I reckon I could outrun him.

"So I started wearing this for comfort, not for style, which itself is a slippery slope, isn't it? I'm trying to bring sleeveless garments back."

The straight-talker and occasional actor, who starred in Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights, does not beat around the bush.

He does not do gimmicks (his pet hate is comedians changing the words to songs only to belt out their cover on stage), or contrived gags to win over his audience.

"I think that's really a desperate thing to do," he says. "The grand gestures is not what it's about for me."

He was guilty of trying to please in the early days but he has learnt not to pander to perceived demand but simply be honest. This credo has certainly stood the comic in good stead.

"I write smarter now," he explains. "You're more honest and as you get older; you realise who you are and the writing is more mature."

This does not mean nerves don't kick in every single time he steps out on stage. But he accepted apprehension and jitters as occupational hazards long ago.

"I still am nervous every day: you have to be on your mettle," he says. "That's what stage fright is. It's using the adrenaline to make sure you give a top-notch performance."

Justin Moorhouse will appear at the Arts Centre on January 23. To book call 01793 524481 or visit swindontheatres.co.uk.