PUPPETRY of the Penis was born when Simon Morley teamed up with fellow puppeteer David Friend in 1998. Not a show for the prudish, the two entertain their audience with their repertoire of what they like to call 'genital origami'. Here, ahead of their show at the Wyvern on May 6, Simon attempts to explain his relationship with the most intimate part of his anatomy...

What is a best friend? Someone who you go everywhere with, sleep with, bathe with, and share your deepest and darkest secrets with. They pop up unannounced, embarrass you in social situations and let you down at a time when you need them most. Yet you will stick with them through to the end.

To those of you reading this I could be talking about any one of your best friends. But look closer and you will see I have actually just described a penis. Dog a man’s best friend? Nah. The thing that comes first in a man’s life is his penis.

So what is there to tell you about our dear little friends?

BLOB We name them.

Bill Clinton calls his “Lil Elvis”. I think George Bush just calls his “Lil”. I for one have not given my penis a name, but have met many a man who has and have even heard many talk about their penis in the third person. “Ooo! You should have seen Oscar go!”

I find this a little unsettling. I believe it to be a mechanism which men use to fool themselves into thinking that what transpired the night before was not their fault at all, that their penis was in control. This of course does not work on women, I don’t think I’ll ever see the day that a woman says to me, “Hey I was just going to get my coat, it was lil Suzie who invited him in!".

BLOB We wonder about other peoples.

Male genitalia are as mystical to men as they are to women. While we have an intimate knowledge of our own “meat and two veg”, masculinity prevents many of us from learning the particulars of others. So we go through life wondering how we compare.

BLOB We laugh at them.

In its flaccid form male genitalia is without doubt the most ridiculous and hilarious part of a man’s body. In the past, and in many parts of the world still, to laugh at a man’s “wedding tackle” could have dire consequences. It is as if their sense of masculinity were concealed in that squishy little odd-looking package, and to mock it could crush him socially. Give him a swift kick here and you can bring a giant to his knees.

BLOB We play with them.

Because we can. And trust me, it’s not just us guys at Puppetry of the Penis - we’ve just mastered it and turned it into a show! Your fathers, husbands, boyfriends and brothers also practice the ancient art of genital origami. There isn't a man in the world who, at some point, hasn’t stood in front of a mirror and thought to himself: “Hang on, what does this look like?”

Tickets are from £21 from swindontheatres.co.uk