PAUL FOOT is back after two years as a "hermit baybay!" But don't be fooled by his show's cryptic title, ‘Tis a Pity She’s a Piglet. It has virtually nothing to do with pigs.

Tell us about the show. We hear you tackle terrorism, the X Factor and breakfast?

Yes, terrorism, breakfast, you know, the big issues of the day. The most important war and the most important meal. But the show is also about other, less important things, like love and death and astronomy and Oscar Pistorius. It’s essentially an elegy to modern life, except massively optimistic and hilarious. The only thing that it does not feature, ironically, is a piglet.

You’ve been away for two years. What crazy adventures did you get up to - besides cobbling your new show?

Cobbling?! Moi?! Ye make it sound like I’m a common chancer. A Charlatan with no artistic pride. I have been working tirelessly on this show for two whole years, hidden away in a cottage in Oxfordshire with a stray dog and a skeleton puppet. I mean, obviously I did tour Australia for a month or so, and of course I did travel round the UK performing a retrospective of some of my shows from recent years. But apart from that, I'm a hermit baybayyy!

If you weren’t a comic, what would you be? And why?

If I weren’t a comic I’d be one of two things: Either Elvis Presley, or an accountant. I mean, both are technically impossible, as: 1) I am, in fact, a comedian, 2) Elvis Presley is long dead, and also a different man entirely, and 3) Accountancy is friggin’ boring. I’m glad I dodged that friggin’ beef bullet.

How did you get into comedy?

Warning. A (semi) serious answer coming up: I was at university and someone said, “Paul, you’re funny. Do a comedy show.” And I’d never seen a stand-up comedy show before ever in my life, so I said ok. I didn’t realise that comedians actually, you know, wrote and prepared comedy material. So I turned up with absolutely nothing to say. Anyway, I took the stage and went on and on about various fruits and it was a massive success and I decided then and there that comedy would be my career for my life until I die.

You’ve been described as the king of randomness. Does that seem like a fair description?

No I don’t think so. Random comedy would be choosing a person, at random, from the globe, sticking him/her on a stage/platform, selected, again, at random, and seeing what comedy words come out of their mouth. Now, if you overcame the first hurdle of understanding whatever language they would be speaking, then the chances of them actually making you laugh are staggeringly small.

Also, monarchies are a stack of nonsense, so being “the King of Randomness” is one of the most meaningless and useless titles I can imagine. Apart from MBE, obviously.

You have a loyal band of fans. What’s the craziest gift anyone has ever given you?

My fans are not fans, they are Connoisseurs of my comedy. They care nothing for me personally. They are only interested in the humour. If I were to die tomorrow, they wouldn’t mind, as long as I had left some comedy for them. They are classy like that.

In terms of the weirdest gift, I’m not sure. Someone once sent me a knitted cuddly toy they had made of one of my characters, Skeleton Johnston. That’s not weird at all though. It’s just lovely. Someone once sent me a mask they had made of my own face. I only wore it once though. Absolutely no point to it.

What’s the best heckle you’ve ever had?

Some years ago I was performing at a comedy club and a man in the audience kept shouting, “No s**t, Sherlock!” after every single sentence I said. Every single sentence. It is hilarious now, but was a right shocker at the time.

How has your comedy style evolved over the years – if at all?

I don’t think it has evolved that much really. I have become bolder in my surrealist tendencies, and also have become better at making surrealism relevant to real life. I think this show, ‘Tis A Pity She’s A Piglet, is the pinnacle of my career so far in that sense. The surrealism really feels like it’s talking about real life, which it is of course. I call it Literal Surrealism: Comedy that is possible, but highly unlikely.

Do you feel like you’ve nailed stand-up now or is there room for improvement?

There’s always room for improvement. The day you don’t feel like you need to do better is the day you need to stop altogether.

If you could travel back in time where would you go and who would you meet?

I would either go back to watch the first time JS Bach’s Mass in B Minor was performed. And then have a wine tasting session with Johann. Or I’d go back to meet Ella Fitzgerald at the end of her career when she was an old woman but still the best singer in the world and singing things like no one else could, even though she was an old lady.

What’s the maddest thing you’ve ever done?

I once accidentally fell off of a cliff. My whole life flashed before my eyes in real time as I fell. Luckily, however, the cliff was only about 7 feet high so I survived with minor/no injuries.

Tell us a secret about yourself?

One day I wish to win the Tour de France. It seems pretty easy. All you have to do is take massive amounts of steroids and then learn to ride a bike.

Paul Foot will be at the Arts Centre on November 10 at 8pm. To book go to swindontheatres.co.uk or call 01793 524481.