BEREN CROSS takes a short break in Jersey and enjoys a taste of luxury at its finest

I EXPECTED the first 24 hours of this island break to be filled with disjointed exchanges, misguided directions and hazy sightseeing, given the severity of my sleep deprivation heading into the trip.

I am delighted to report I was wrong. Despite only three hours’ sleep before setting off from Chippenham to Jersey, the ferry’s organisation, the hotel’s luxury and St Helier’s culture blew away any cobwebs.

Departing in the first weekend of October meant we were treated to a glorious sunrise as we pulled away from Poole at 7.30am.

Nestling into two of the extra-comfy chairs in Condor Ferries’ Ocean Plus lounge, my partner and I benefited from panoramic views of the horizon at the front of the boat.

At four-and-a-half hours, it’s not a quick hop across the Channel like Dover to Calais, but we were happy to have the time for some shut-eye before arriving. It is worth noting the lounge is shared with more than 100 others, a number of whom had young children, so you really do need to be exhausted to sleep through.

The Club Hotel & Spa in Green Street is in the heart of the island’s capital, surrounded by tall, grey, forgettable buildings.

A spacious, marble-floored, tastefully-decorated, modern lobby greets you on entry, along with the sound of running water to your left and through an open door.

This sound immediately grabbed my companion’s attention and soon enough she was well aware of the outdoor pool, as well as the quality of the establishment we were checking into.

She was genuinely wiping away tears of joy (and possiblly relief) as I spoke with one of the three helpful staff members behind the check-in desk, who, unaware of my secretive plan, spoiled my surprise of a dinner reservation in the attached restaurant that night.

Our bedroom was not enormous, but contained everything a couple would want over a weekend stay: sofa, chair, coffee table, television, fridge, desk, built-in wardrobes, king-size bed and en suite with shower, sink and bathtub.

We took a walk through St Helier after checking-in and its mix of independent and High Street retailers, with cobbled streets, reminded me very much of Bath.

A stop for traditional pub food at The Cock & Bottle in Royal Square and some well-priced hot chocolate at Bean Around the World in Halkett Place are highly recommended. You imagine the latter employs a team of backpackers to source the globe’s coffee for sale here, such is its selection and worldly feel.

The aforementioned dinner reservation was for Bohemia, a Michelin-starred restaurant attached to The Club, and therefore we went back for some sleep before getting our glad rags on for the evening.

I should make it clear at the outset, neither of us have ever eaten at such an illustrious establishment before or even experimented in fine dining, so to us level of service was overwhelming. The maître d’ welcomed us to the restaurant and thankfully walked us to a table in the corner, discreetly tucked away.

It is an intimate setting, with no more than 20 tables of varying sizes within an L-shaped room, separated from the adjoining bar by glass walls. The open plan layout means the livelier atmosphere of the bar does creep into the restaurant, but we didn’t find this troubling or distracting.

There are five main dinner menus available at Bohemia, priced between £59 and £85 per person, and each with several courses of delicate, flavoursome portions. Needless to say, we had trouble deciding and even needed help with how to order from the lists of food in front of us.

There were some things we weren’t too keen on, including foie gras cream. They were all exceptionally presented and beautifully prepared, but too rich for our primitive palates. We apologised profusely for anything we didn’t finish, but we were never met with contempt by the staff.

Two nice touches to make you feel extra special: each course is brought out side by side before being described in full and placed before you; plus, any truffle on the menu is brought out in a huge block worth thousands and grated in front of you. It’s the little things.

If you are a celebrity or enjoy ruining their evenings by asking for selfies, Bohemia appears to be something of a hotspot. It took every ounce of self-control not to ask The Libertines’ frontman Carl Barât for a picture as he sat and ate a burger in the bar.

Breakfast the following morning was a buffet layout with a pick of cold meats, pastries, fresh fruit, cereals and juices to choose from. Tea and coffee is to order, ensuring you have a piping hot pot ready for you at your table.

We had opted for the De-stress Muscle Massage treatment later that day in the spa; 55 minutes of all-body massage designed to work on stiff, tight and fatigued muscles. We were on beds side-by-side and treated to calming music in the background.

I was hoping to fall asleep and feel like a new man when I walked out, but sadly neither thing happened. However, the masseurs were attentive and asked at every turn whether we wanted more or less pressure, and even catered for my girlfriend’s foot phobia.

After taking a dip in the indoor pool and sweating it out in the two saunas, we got showered and ready for afternoon tea in Bohemia’s bar area, which again seemed to be a Saturday escape for St Helier’s elite families.

There was a selection of teas for guests to choose from, but we went with the traditional breakfast option, which came in a cute pot with two teacups. We began with sandwiches, which had traditional lunchtime fillings, and then moved on to the cakes.

Presented on a tower with four shelves, the hotel’s has a changing selection of cakes each week. They might be the most delicious cakes I have ever sampled. There were large pots of fresh cream, jam and Jersey butter to spread as liberally as we wanted across warm scones.

We were given two cakes each of the four types presented, so we were left feeling very full, but they were fabulous; light, tasty and delicate. It was easy to tell they had come from the same Michelin-starred kitchen which provided the meal of the night before.

England were playing Australia in their crunch Rugby World Cup pool match on the Saturday evening, so we found one of the few pubs still with space in it to watch the match. The Office in Hope Street provided three large screens and a couple of televisions too, ensuring everyone had a view from anywhere in the premises.

By the time the match had finished and the disappointment of England’s impending exit had lifted we were hungry and looking for something substantial, but lacking hope with the time past 10pm.

It was on the walk back to the hotel we stumbled upon The Little Thai in Hill Street, which, to our relief, was happy to stick us on a table for two in the middle of the intimate, tiny restaurant.

The menu was helpfully laid out and we quickly landed on three rice, beef and chicken dishes to share. It may have been because they were eager to close, but the food was with us very quickly and tastefully presented in traditional Thai crockery. It was a fast meal, but we were happy and well-fed late at night.

After a final few drinks in the popular marina area of the city we returned to the hotel and woke up the next morning with just a few hours left to pack up and depart for the ferry port once again.

If we’d had more time, I am sure we would have explored more of Jersey as an island, but for a weekend break, with the use of the hotel’s spa and restaurant, St Helier provided more than enough to keep us entertained.

There is evidently a lot of wealth in the city and, judging by the property prices, it is a seasonal retreat for the richest folk from the mainland, but there is plenty to cater for all price points.

The Club is salubrious and expensive, there is no getting away from that fact, but if you want to be pampered and feel special on a short break, within hours of the mainland, you would do well to find somewhere more suitable than this resort.

  • Beren travelled courtesy of Condor Ferries — condorferries.co.uk. Prices for two adults travelling from Poole to Jersey in early October 2016 with one car, using the Ocean Plus lounge, start at £270.
  •  He stayed at The Club Hotel & Spa — theclubjersey.com. Rooms start from £99 for a standard double and £245 for a suite inclusive of breakfast. Free parking and complimentary wi-fi are available. Afternoon tea is from £19.95 to £29.95 per person with a glass of champagne. The De-stress Muscle Massage treatment is £72.
  •  Lunch at Bohemia — bohemiajersey.com — is from £19 for two courses and dinner is from £49 for six courses.