AN Australian woman called Jacky Collyer has been told by the Home Office she’s being chucked out of the country.

Jacky and her husband, Purton man Andy Carter, run Darkroom Espresso in Faringdon Road.

In spite of having a British husband, a British business, a British home, a British cat and paying British taxes, she’s apparently fallen foul of some rule or other about minimum incomes.

To prevent anybody else suffering similar problems, I reckon it’s time to remind decent, law-abiding, would-be taxpaying foreigners how to ensure they’ll be allowed to live here with no interference from the state.

If you are one of those foreigners, the first thing to remember is that you should not under any circumstances fill in Home Office forms or co-operate with the organisation in any way.

Think back to the last time you entered Britain.

Do you remember that row of bored-looking, scruffy people who were there inspecting passports?

The ones idly scratching themselves and gossiping with passing colleagues as a mile-long queue built up?

The ones giving the 90-year-old granny in the wheelchair the third degree, while waving through that bloke with the pillowcase full of white powder and the mysterious bag marked ‘Fishing tackle and not a neutron bomb, honestly’?

Well, those officials – and their even more inept bosses - are our fearless protectors against the crooks, con artists and assorted bad people of the world.

Sadly, they mostly lack the aptitude to detect crooks, con artists and assorted bad people. Come to think of it, they mostly lack the aptitude to detect a cowpat on a wedding cake or a marching band with an extra-large Sousaphone section in a portable loo.

This is a unfortunate for Britain and even more unfortunate for you, the decent foreign person who wants to make a new life here, pay your way and play by the rules.

You see, the authorities can’t protect Britain from real threats because the authorities are ultimately the same old bunch of otherwise unemployable chinless wonders, year after year and decade after decade.

The authorities therefore have to pretend you’re the threat instead.

If you still want to come here but want to cross our borders and remain in our country without any hitches, take some precautions while in your home country.

Acquiring a criminal record is always a good bet, and the more heinous the offences, the better.

You could rob several banks, for example, or traffic in drugs or people. If your country has a local equivalent of the Mafia, sign up as soon as possible and ask for jobs involving the use of machine guns, surgical instruments or a hand-cranked electrical generator, some crocodile clips and a tub of margarine.

If your country’s political system is volatile, volunteer for whichever faction commits the most notable atrocities.

Should none of these options be open, you could always go down the serial killer route, although you should ensure you become a noted serial killer rather than a dull vanilla one. Aim to be known as something like the ‘[insert name of town] Dissector/Dissolver/Soup-Maker’ rather than by a more mundane title.

Thus equipped with a reputation as a menace to any society unfortunate enough to have you call it home, you should be able to skip into Britain without any trouble at all. More importantly, if the authorities do object to your being here, it’ll be years before they can get rid of you.

Incidentally, if your criminal activities have made you plenty of dosh, you might want to wait until after the election, when we have MPs again.Then log on to www.parliament.uk and start contacting the politicians. Keep doing so until you find one who’ll fix it for you to get a shiny new British passport in exchange for a fat consultancy fee.

It shouldn’t take long.