Fostering has transformed our world — we just love it

EVERY father remembers vividly the moment he first set eyes on his child.

For Pete Sherman and Stephen O'Neill, it happened on a winter's day 16 months ago.

With excitement and a hint of trepidation, they were shown into a room social worker and carer in tow and introduced to their little bundle, Aiden.

In an instant they had become besotted parents.

"We met him and he fell asleep in our arms, then he woke up with a big smile," beams Pete, 45, who acts as Aiden's full-time carer.

"It melted our hearts. There was a connection straight away. From that day onwards he was our child."

While Aiden is their first and only adopted child, their journey to fatherhood, in all but name, had begun two years previously, in the summer of 2011, when they started the process of becoming foster carers.

Pete had been caring for his elderly mother and when she passed away, the time felt right to turn to others and offer respite to families by welcoming children with learning difficulties and disabilities into their home one weekend every month.

An initial interview with social services was followed by a series of assessments and extensive training covering anything from coping with attachment and separation issues to understanding and managing complex needs.

"You have to be prepared for probing questions about you family dynamic, your childhood as the process goes on," admits Stephen, 44, a support worker for people with learning disabilities and challenging behaviours.

"But we were not put off by it. The support we got from the social worker was very positive and encouraging.

"Once we started we knew we wanted to do it. You have to be honest. It's a way for them to get to know you and find out your strengths and weaknesses to match the right foster carers with the right child.

"If a child is unfortunate enough to come through the system they have to match them with the right people. That's why it's thorough."

Finally in May 2012, they were introduced to their first charge, a nine-year-old boy with severe autism.

They would look after the child one weekend each month for the following two years.

"I was really nervous the first weekend," recalls Pete. "I kept thinking, 'Are we doing this right?'. We took him to a park and we had an instant connection. It all fell into place; we had a laugh."

Stephen, of Park South, adds: "You are entrusted with someone else's child, their most precious possession. For all intents and purposes you are complete strangers taking their child away for the weekend. It's not easy."

The following year they made the decision to become full-time foster carers and open their home to children in need for as long as necessary.

Adding to their growing family were two young siblings, six and seven years old respectively. They lived with the men for ten weeks.

"It was intense," laughs Stephen. "They had a lot of energy. There were a lot of laughs, although it's not always all laughs.

"There are days when fostering can be very hard. It's like being a normal parent. When the boys moved in with their permanent carer we were asked whether we would look after them for a weekend every six weeks and we still do now."

Their lives were thrust on a new trajectory when a social worker mentioned adoption, seemingly hypothetically, in December 2013.

In a matter of days Pete and Stephen would meet Aiden, a quadriplegic 14-month-old diagnosed with severe cerebral palsy and blindness.

The infant would neither walk, attend mainstream school nor lead an autonomous life, they were warned.

"We had problems with adoption because when you go down that route you get this book of all the children up for adoption in the country and you basically have to pick one," explains Stephen, who entered into a civil partnership with Pete five years ago. "It's like a catalogue. We just couldn't pick a child like we would pick a piece of furniture.

"But when the social worker asked us we think she already had Aiden in mind.

"I was nervous when we met him. We knew nothing about him. We had seen a picture of him as a baby and we knew about his care package and condition, that's all. I was thinking 'Are we going to get that bond?' But it happened instantly. When we met him everybody there - the social worker, his temporary carer - all said it was meant to be."

On February 3, 2014, they picked up their son and drove him to his new home.

"We took him home and we thought 'What do we do now?'," says Pete. "A lot of our friends who have children said it was like we had given birth. You have someone's life in your hands. But every day has been a highlight. We can't imagine life before him."

Since Aiden bulldozed into their lives, they have juggled their foster caring duties and full-time parenting.

Above all they have striven to give Aiden every opportunity within his reach.

Thanks to their boundless determination to see him achieve every milestone, he has defied doctors prognosis. He is due to attend mainstream school and has grown into something of an expert escape artist, wiggling out of his bed up to five times a night. He may even learn, in time, to take a few steps with the aid of walker.

"As parents you have got to fight for what's right for your child," adds Pete, who gives Aiden physiotherapy every day. "Aiden's complex needs have proved not to be as severe as they first thought. He is improving all the time. We have been told by social services that it's down to the parenting. We just encourage him to roll over to reach things and try to do things on his own. He is a determined young man."

Stephen adds: "Like every parent we want our child to be happy and fulfilled and like every parents we have our fears for the future. We want him to have security. It's no easy; he is a disabled child with parents in a same-sex relationship."

Their devotion to their son and the children they have welcome into their family over the years has not gone unnoticed. The couple were named Foster Carers of the Year by Swindon Foster Carers Association this spring.

"When I found out I was in shock - I couldn't speak," blushes Pete. "We are proud. It means a lot because we were nominated by other foster carers.

"Fostering has given us so much," says Stephen. "I would encourage people to make the first enquiry and find out about it. You won't be on your own. There is support from social services and support groups. You're not going to be judged if it's not for you and you feel you have to walk away. Our life has been enhanced by it. We would not go back - never."

Foster Care Fortnight got underway on Monday and will end on Sunday, June 14.

Foster facts

• 8,370 new foster families are needed across the UK to provide a stable and caring home for these vulnerable children.

• On any one day more than 62,000 children live with foster families in the country.

• Fostering has many forms. Foster carers can provide care in emergencies, caring for a child for just a few days, or perhaps over a weekend to give the main foster carer a break, known as 'respite' foster care. Or it can be for longer periods, sometimes throughout a child's formative years up to the age of 21.

• Fostering is different from adoption because the local authority in which the child lives remains responsible for them as their 'corporate parent'.

• All foster carers receive a fostering allowance which covers the cost of caring for a fostered child.

• For more information about fostering call 01793 465700 or visit fosteringadoptionswindon.org.uk