Counsellor Fiona Caine tackles our dilemmas

FOR the last three years, we’ve been trying for a baby.

I don’t have a problem getting pregnant, but I’ve just now had my fourth miscarriage, (the latest at 10 weeks) and I’m getting desperate.

I am so unhappy and feel like a failure even though my partner and my GP are being great about it, but I don’t think either of them understands how bad I feel. W. M.

Fiona says: I’M so sorry you’re going through such a tough time, but whatever the cause of these multiple miscarriages, they are not your fault.

There can be all kinds of reasons, but if a miscarriage is going to happen then there is very little that anyone can do to stop it.

If your doctor hasn’t offered you tests to try to find the cause, then it’s time you pushed for this as it’s normal to offer this after three miscarriages in a row.

Be aware though that a reason may not be found and sometimes, even when there is a reason, it’s not always treatable.

The Miscarriage Association (miscarriageassociation.org.uk) has a very helpful booklet on multiple miscarriage that you can read online.

There is also a telephone helpline, a volunteer support service, an online support forum as well as many helpful leaflets.

In shock atmy hubby's death

MY husband died a month ago — he was only 49, six years older than me.

I’m still in shock and can’t work or think straight. Sometimes I just feel so angry and at other times I just want to cry and cry, but people around me just seem to want to comfort me and make me stop.

I wish I could just find a shoulder to cry on who would let me cry it out or shout and scream when I want to. I don’t know why I’m writing. K. R.

Fiona said: WRITING down how you feel can sometimes help. You’ve had a dreadful shock and everyone experiences grief differently.

We no longer go into “mourning” the way we used to and these days some people find what they regard as excessive grief embarrassing. Tears and anger are too much for them to handle, but that doesn’t make them wrong. It’s their discomfort and embarrassment that means they try to control the situation by bringing you into line.

You need to be able to grieve in your own way and in your own time, so please make contact with Cruse (cruse.org.uk), the national association for the bereaved.

The network of counsellors and contacts know and understand what you are going through and they can offer both emotional and, should you need it, practical help.