EIGHT years ago Julia became Jeremy, the man she always knew she was despite being born female. Last Christmas, the 48-year-old from Swindon began his transition to male with hormone therapy. As he awaits a date for the first of several taxing sex-reassignment operations, Jeremy tells MARION SAUVEBOIS about his harrowing journey and the painful years ahead.

I AM going to go back eight years to April 2007. My housemate’s fists were banging on the door to my room but I couldn't hear it. He was shouting at me through the door and I couldn't hear it.

I was sat in my room crying alone and wanting to die. I wanted this pain to end and I just couldn’t take anymore. An empty bottle of whisky lay discarded on the floor. This time the liqueur had failed to ease the ache inside. Nothing could erase the feelings of loathing and disgust.

Over the preceding months my feelings had built up until I had reached a point of self-destruction. I was dressed only in underwear and I stared down at the body that I had never recognized as my own and it revolted me. I sat there scratching at my arms like a wild cat.

I am a writer and I couldn’t write this stuff out of me. I stared at the scars on my body where I had tried to cut it out of me. As a child I would make my dolls into boys, invent stories where girls grew into men and I had a future as a man in a man’s world. Now it was real, very real and the stakes were to live or die.

I looked in the mirror and saw a face with the start of a beard and that felt right. Nothing else was right, it was all wrong.

It was at this point my housemate managed to break through my door and I saw his eyes taking in the scene quickly. The bottle on the floor, my tear-stained face and the blood on my arms where I had been scratching at my skin.

He put me to bed telling me it would all be okay, we would get the help I needed. He sat beside me and we watched a movie. As we watched we talked and I told him I was transgender, a man trapped in a woman’s body and what he had just witnessed was my body dysphoria at its worst.

All that happened eight years ago and with support I am now getting the help I need. There is no preparation in life for those of us who suffer from gender dysphoria and, of course, there is nothing out there to help those who love and support us.

That night eight years ago my housemate treated me with non-judgmental compassion and kept me going past the pain. In the morning he called my doctor and came with me as I took the first steps to transition. A journey he supports me on to this day.

Few people understand or are prepared for the impact gender dysphoria has on my life. I would spend days and weeks isolated in my room, trapped into reclusiveness by fear and self-loathing. Just the idea of going out would trigger a panic attack. Before I got the help I need I would turn to alcohol and drugs just to keep going.

The support of friends and family doesn't take the pain away, nothing can do that but it has changed how I deal with it. It is their love and support that has made the biggest difference in my life. I am truly grateful for that and I know I am lucky to have them.

Before prescribing testosterone the doctor warned me of the realities of hormonal therapy.

Whilst some changes are reversible there really is no going back once the treatment has taken effect. I was also made aware of the risks including infertility, acne and emotional changes. My blood has to be checked regularly to monitor my health. I am diabetic so it makes no real change for me there.

My T-day was Christmas day. I opted for gel over injections as I wanted to feel part of the process; rather than having someone else making it all happen. Every day I have to apply Tostran gel to my thighs and relax for 15 to 20 minutes while it dries. In that time I jot a few thoughts in my diary.

Within just a few days I felt more able to handle most of the dysphoria trigger moments that happen every day. I believe, in no small part that is down to me using gel and actually doing it myself rather than a nurse periodically putting a needle in me.

At three weeks I felt like I had a sore throat, and I had a bad cold so assumed it was just that but it wasn’t - my voice was breaking. This is one of the changes I couldn’t have reversed. It is still breaking but is significantly deeper as it works to where it will be.

At the six week stage things really started to happen. I began to feel the muscles changing – aches and pains associated with teenage growing are now a normal part of life for a while.

But muscle and body fat distribution are reversible.

I also noted a distinct change in personal odour. It certainly is not as sweet as it used to be now but I have a can of Lynx – hardly a surprise as I have far more energy to burn and feel hotter. Even my feet which used to be ice cubes on a summer’s day are hotter.

My taste buds changed too. I no longer crave sweet things like chocolate but I could murder a burger or pizza. And the big change for me was my face. It had downy fluff patches especially on the upper lip; the much longed for moustache was born.

As I write this at three months my legs are hairier and more muscular and I have hair growth on my chest and back. My back and shoulders have widened by three inches. My arms are more muscular and I am a lot stronger in the upper body. My voice is deeper and the moustache is real and thickening up.

On the medical side of life the referral to Brighton for chest realignment surgery was made by the doctor in March. On current waiting times that surgery should hopefully be this autumn. This is the big one for me and knowing it is going to happen is just an amazing feeling.

So what do you do when someone you care about is experiencing dysphoria?

Show compassion. Do not trivialize the pain, it is very real. A transgender person needs to feel their existence and experience is valid and valued.

Ask how you can help. We are all individual and each experience is different so the needs vary.

Suggest distractions. It can be as simple as finding something fun to do or playing a game on the X-box. However it could be an old-fashioned cuppa and a shoulder to cry on is the thing too.

Send a care package. Sometimes we don’t want personal visits as we can’t cope with them and this needs to be respected. A letter, a postcard, or a small self-care parcel is enough to say ‘I care but respect your need.’

Encourage the transgender person to seek help. Get information about the help available. Help them find a support group, go with them as a supporter to see their GP or counsellor.

For emotional and practical help, contact transgender support group, Swindon TG Group, at swindon_tg_group@yahoo.co.uk or visit http://swindon-tg-group.yolasite.com.

Jeremy’s blog is available on http://jeremytheboypoet.wordpress.com/