THE latest round of police cuts could wipe out hundreds of jobs in the Wiltshire force when it’s announced next month.

Those cuts will come on top of earlier ones that have seen officer numbers fall by more than 150 over the last five years.

The last time most of us looked, there was no hint of the number of criminals being cut.

Nobody from criminal senior management has been sending out letters to burglars, muggers and people who like to batter passers-by after chucking-out time, saying: “Thank you for your years of service as a complete scumbag, but due to current economic conditions your position is no longer sustainable.”

In fact, criminality seems to be growing ever more popular as a career option.

That being the case, you may be wondering why yet more policing cuts are on the way.

The answer is that most of us are not real human beings, and that crimes committed against us can therefore be largely ignored by the powerful.

Most of the judiciary realised this years ago, but the people who hold the police purse strings have taken a while to catch up.

If you’re unsure as to whether you’re real or not, you might wish to try a simple experiment.

Wait until the next time you spot a suspicious character in your neighbourhood. Perhaps they’re trying the doors of unattended houses and cars, peering through windows or hiding in undergrowth.

Now dial 999, and tell whoever answers what you’ve seen.

If the response is along the lines of, “We’ll try to send somebody when we can,” it’s a fair bet that you’re not real.

If, on the other hand, you barely have time to put the phone down before a tactical response unit is on the scene with machine guns and a pack of sniffer dogs, you can safely assume you’re real.

The officers in question may not be too happy about being there. Indeed, the vast majority of them will have signed up for the police with a view to being part of a team large enough to protect everybody at all times.

However, as ground level police officers they probably aren’t real, so nobody need worry about their opinions.

Other clues that you may be real include living in a gated community where nobody is admitted without a business card and at least three forms of identification.

Travelling to work in a chauffeur-driven car rather than, say, on a bus, can also be a pointer. Should you still be in doubt, think back to your school days. If they were spent at an ancient establishment with an honours board bearing the names of Prime Ministers and the odd foreign monarch, you are almost certainly real.

The same generally applies if you went to one of the three or four finest universities in the land, although you may not be real if you had to pass exams to get there, as opposed to simply having your dad write a letter of introduction.

If you – like me – do not meet the necessary criteria to be counted as a real human being whose potential vulnerability to police cutbacks matters, resist all temptation to tackle criminality yourself, as the folk in charge will come down on you like a ton of bricks. if you do.

And remember, the recent 50 per cent increase in complaints about the police means only that we’re more confident about expressing dissatisfaction, not that there’s anything wrong.

As ever, we have never been safer.