MARION SAUVEBOIS discovers that policing and comedy are oddly similar

“BEING attacked by a knife-wielding maniac is no more frightening than walking out on stage in front of hundreds of people,” muses Alfie Moore.

And he would know. The policeman turned comic has fended off his fair share of armed loonies and short-fused yobs during his two decades on the force.

A late bloomer, he entered the comedy scene just eight years ago at the ripe old age (by industry standards) of 44. His first 10-minute slot was not the usual grubby basement malarkey in front of highly inebriated punters though. He made his debut at a national competition.

“I expected to be a copper forever and had no ambition to do comedy but my wife took me to a comedy club one night and I quite liked it. I ended up entering a new act competition a week later. I was on the reserve list and somebody dropped out. I got a day off work and wrote 10 minutes. When I stood up on stage I just froze and forgot what I had written. I started riffing. I remember going up to the speaker and doing something funny about the fact that it was crackling and said anything that came into my head. And it went really well. I got through.

“My next gig was in the next round and my third gig was in the final. I ended up one of the runners-up.”

The transition was not as much of cultural shock as you’d expect. Both lines of work require expert people skills: fail to build rapport at record speed and you will be on the receiving end of makeshift weapons, projectiles and airborne beverages.

“A police officer has to turn up in very tense situations and make a connection very quickly and good cops can do that,” says the Scunthorpe-based comic. “Or you get punched a lot. I’ve been punched quite a bit. It’s very similar on stage. A comedian has a very short window of opportunity to make a connection with that live audience. Of course dealing with aggression and drunken people, that’s also quite similar.”

Deciding to juggle both ‘gigs’, he gave up his post of detective for the more manageable schedule of neighbouring police officer.

“I started getting more comedy work and if a murder comes up they don’t like it when you say ‘I’ve got a gig tonight I need to get off’. I did both for a while but you get tired and none are getting the best of you."

Strangely, he never intended to discuss his day job on stage.

“When I started I didn’t talk about the police at all. But the audience encouraged me to, that’s what they wanted to heard.

“They are fascinated by the police. The strangest things happen every day. I once interviewed a shoplifter and I said ‘Why did you steal these L’Oreal products and quick as a flash she said, 'Because I’m worth it’. And we both burst out laughing. A lot of the people you deal with, like shoplifters, you see on an almost daily basis. They ask you about the family. You build relationships with these people. That can be quite funny. It’s just business to them that they sometimes get caught.”

Over the past eight years he has successfully treaded walked the fine line between poking fun at “coppers”, sharing the vagaries of patrolling the beat, and throwing the profession into ridicule.

His latest corker, The Naked Stun, sees him delve liberally into his policing days and a particularly sticky case.

“It is a about my dogged determination to track down a serial flasher in Scunthorpe,” he says, failing to keep his composure. “Eventually I got who I thought was responsible but of course you have to prove it and convince your organisation and the court that they’re the culprit. Sometimes finding them is the easy bit.”

Laughs aside, the insider has strived to shed light on officers’ vulnerability and the unimaginable pressures and challenges facing them day-to-day.

“I have very strong views about the politics of policing, budgets and cuts and the things that go on at a very high level. I think I’ve gained credibility because I’m honest. I’ll back the police and the officers who protect us 24/7. It’s easy to criticise the police but they make very difficult decisions daily. But if somebody lets us down, if you get a dishonest police officer, I would have no mercy whatsoever. I would give them double the sentence.”

Although he packed in law enforcement four years ago, he is still technically on a “temporary break” from Humberside Police.

“ I’ve got 10 months to decide whether I’m going to go back in or not,” he bursts out laughing. “I’ve not decided yet. I love being a cop. If somebody offered me a nice part-time job I’d probably think about it because I love doing it and I’d be able to collect more stories. I don’t want to run out. But I’ve still got plenty to go on.”

Alfie Moore will be at the Arts Centre on October 30 at 8pm. To book call 01793 524481 or visit swindontheatres.co.uk.