Joe Theobald, aka DJ Captain Wormhole, Looks at all things vinyl 

I’M certainly not an expert at putting together DJ sets, but I have spent thousands of hours over many years listening to the efforts of DJs who are experts. Here are some pointers...

  •  Start with something ethereal with no beat, like some Buddhist chanting or a wax disc voice recording from 1911 of the last living survivor of the Battle of Little Big Horn. This will demonstrate your sophistication.
  •  Slam down a crunchy four to the floor. Ideally this should be a hypnotic builder, hooking the listener into a cathartic state of ebullient anaesthesia.
  •  Introduce some bass-laden deep grooves that can’t fail to make people dance. If you don’t have any bass-laden deep grooves to introduce then step away from the Technics, this game’s not for you.
  •  Take the edge off with a super rare disco edit, then just the slightest whisper of a fire remix of an old school banger to tease the veterans.
  •  Big beats are the best. Techno or House are the only correct answers. Drum and Bass is for skinny pale boomba-grass heads.
  •  Modulate your tempo. This is vitally important — you don’t wanna start too fast and run out of energy, or too slow and lose the interest of your audience.
  •  Like most things in life, building a good set is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. Play harder for longer. After 50 minutes you should be laying down your filthiest stripped-back Berlin bleached minimal burners of the finest cut.
  •  Generally speaking, a quality set should never be less than 50 mins and not over two hours (leave the eight-hour endurance sessions to the likes of Marco Carola). A few years ago it seemed like an hour and 10 was the duration du jour but these days I’m definitely an hour and 45 man.
  •  Finish with the Shan-Gri Las’ Remember (Walking In The Sand) —this will remind people how sophisticated you are.
  •  Next week: London’s famous London.