AFTER a string of failed relationships, Isy Suttie was persuaded to draw up a list of the ideal qualities she was looking for in a man.

“Rarely mixes up your and you’re” was at number one; “Rarely uses moisturiser” at number two.

She said nothing of her fiance’s use of grammar in her talk at the Arts Centre last night, but I think we can safely assume he has supersoft skin. “I’ve amended the rule over the years because all men wear moisturiser now,” she explained. “I do think it’s important that his is cheaper than mine though.”

The comedian and writer - most well-known for her role as Dobby in TV’s Peep Show - regaled the audience with a virtual stand-up routine of anecdotes from her book The Actual One, which details the many trials and tribulations of her dating history to hilarious effect.

We learned of Roy, the 5ft papier mache penguin she once made as a gift for a boyfriend to help reignite a dying flame. It didn’t.

We also heard of the tamagotchi toy she and another beau bought together to test whether they were cut out for parenthood. It was last heard crying louder than a baby as it was hurled from a cafe window towards a brothel.

Suttie’s natural style worked well with the intimate audience and it rarely felt like she was telling jokes. She wasn’t really; she was sharing her life - it just so happens that she has some really weird stuff to share and a knack for seeing the funny side of being the last of her gang to grow up.

At 37, she happily reports she has now found The Actual One and has even put her tamagotchi failure behind her and become the mother of a real life, actual baby.

The wedding is planned for next year... with a bit of luck.

  • Amy Liptrot on life on an island and the lure of the city. The erstwhile island child, trampolinist, shellfish factory worker and alcoholic returns to Orkney after more than a decade away in her first book The Outrun. Arts Centre, Devizes Road. 12.30pm. £6
    n Stories and Adventures in the Museum with Carli Green and Libby Musty. Swindon Museum and Art Gallery. 6.30pm and 8.30pm. £5
  •  Tom Hodgkinson presents The Idler and thoughts on loafing. Discussion of what makes the world go round: busyness or beauty; production or pleasure; duty or dance. Arts Centre, Devizes Road, 6.30pm. £8
  •  Kevin Dutton on the difference between being a good or a bad psychopath. In association with The Swindon Philosophical Society and centred on his book, The Good Psychopath’s Guide to Success. Arts Centre, Devizes Road, 8pm. £8