Heading for divorce

My husband and I were in our teens when we got married, and we had two of our four children before I was 20. Now we have four in total, and at 31, I’m feeling old, whereas he seems to have reverted back to his teenage years.

Our marriage has run out of steam as I don’t have any energy to do anything, and he wants to start doing the things he never had the chance to do when he was younger. He goes out nearly every night, but as the kids are too young to be left alone, I’m always stuck indoors looking after them.

Even if I wanted to go with him I probably wouldn’t be able to, because I’ve got no energy. The strain on our marriage is starting to tell and although I’ve I tried to get him to stay in a bit more, he says there’s no point because I’m never interested anyway.

I suppose that’s true because all we seem to do these days is nag each other, but I’m afraid my marriage may be on the rocks. - BB

Fiona says: I think your husband is acting very unfairly, but the first thing to tackle here is your health issues.

Please do make an appointment to see your doctor. Whilst four young children are hard work and very tiring, you need to make sure there is nothing else wrong. Even something as simple as an iron deficiency can knock the stuffing out of you and mean that you’re tired all of the time.

Depression also leaves you feeling exhausted and, from the way your husband seems to be behaving, that might also be a possibility. Successful marriages require work - they don’t just happen. When they’re in trouble both parties have to be willing to make a real effort to get things back on track.

By writing to me you’ve indicated you’re prepared to try and resolve things, but your husband has to be as well. The fact that he says that there’s no point staying in with you, because you’re not interested anyway, makes him sound both angry and resentful about the way your relationship has deteriorated.

He could also be feeling rejected by you, even though your attitude towards him is simply down to the fact that you’re exhausted, not because you’re no longer interested. You were both very young when you got married and he might also be feeling trapped by the responsibilities of a young family. Your feelings are also probably just as mixed too.

If you could sit down and talk openly, I am sure you would see that there is a vicious circle going on that you both need to break out of. He needs to understand your problems and to give you some time away from the children. You need to be prepared to make a few adjustments and understand some of his needs; tackling your health issues is just the start.