You have to be careful if you are in the US and you ask for certain things. This is because a lot of people simply can’t understand the finer points of the English accent.
The problem is worse if you are trying to communicate with someone who speaks American English as a second language. Worse still if they are only familiar with the spoken word as they only recognise the sound of the word but have no clue how it is spelled.
So for example someone serving in a restaurant understands perfectly when an American says "gimme a glessa waddur" but responds with blank looks when a refined Englishman (like me) requests “a glass of water please, old chap”. They simply do not understand what is this waugh-tuh that you are asking for.
Another difficult word is beddurees. Of course you and I know that we are asking for batteries but all that they hear is ba-trees.
Again, blank looks all round. Although why you would want to be ordering batteries in a restaurant is not really clear to me.
Budder is also a tricky thing to ask for. All you want is a small amount of churned dairy product to spread on your bread but your waiter/waitress stares back uncomprehendingly, not having a clue what you are on about or what buh-tah is.
And don’t even think about ordering a croissant. In England, we at least try and pronounce it in something like a French accent (“cwassan”) but that won’t get you very far in the US where you have to say it as “cruh-saunt”.
Still I suppose the same thing would happen in the UK when Randy Yankmeister asks the Estonian waitress for a glessa waddur. She is not familiar with the written word, is only used to locals asking for a glarse a wartur innit, and looks back at Randy as if he is a complete idiot.
So next time you encounter an American, the easiest thing is not to bring words such as battery, butter, water or croissant into the conversation.
To help you get what you need while out dining or shopping, try doing what I do: glue pictures of those “difficult” items on to handy pieces of card which you can then wave around to get what you want when verbal communication becomes impossible.
Today, being the second Sunday in May, is Mother’s Day in the US. What is more surprising that the same day is also celebrated as Mother’s Day in over 50 countries in the world. Only in the UK, Ireland and Nigeria is it celebrated on the fourth Sunday in Lent.
Of course it’s totally over-commercialised and everywhere is awash with chocolates and flowers for “mom”. Everyone tries to get in on the act, as you can see by this email that I received from my local Mazda garage …
It does seem to be stretching the truth a little to suggest that an oil change will really make your mother feel “special and loved”. I’m also a little unsure why they offer this service at the unusual price of $24.88.
And what on earth do they mean when they say “What if you didn't have to worry about the noise she's not hearing from under the hood?”
As the ad doesn’t even mention anything about a car, I also can’t help wondering whether it’s lucky old “mom” that ends up getting a personal “lube, oil and filter” and a thorough “multi-point inspection”.
Virgin Atlantic’s US website has introduced a handy feature for American travellers called Your Name in British.
In their words, "If you're going to fit into British society seamlessly during your visit, you're going to need a guaranteed genuine British name. Here's where you get one, just type your name in the spaces provided, hit the button and discover your name in British."
So I thought I would give it a try. Here’s some of the results …
George Bush ... The Right Honourable Gilfillian Bandy-Beerbohm
Hank Yank ... Sir Hardy Yangtang-Kipperbang
Randy Trailertrash ... Viscount Ron Trenchard-Greenhaugh
Hillary Clinton ... Lady Hermione Curmudgeonly-Smythe
Paris Hilton ...Dame Prunella Hornby-Traneset
Dolly Parton ... Dowager Lady Daphne Prior-Conviction
Stevie Wonder ... The Very Reverend Stan Wibblesworth
Barack Obama ... Viscount Brian Obsidian-Catflap
Angelina Jolie ... Duchess Audrey Jollyfoot
Letters From America ... Earl Lancelot Featherstonehaugh
Xenia Zappa ... Duchess Xaviera Zealand-Pickles
I don’t think Virgin are using any complex software algorithms to run this translation program. In fact just by looking at the above names you can probably figure out how they do it.
It's funny but Virgin Atlantic seem to have this obsession with projecting a sort of sixties Austin Powers version of Englishness.
They refer to their customers as “jeterosexuals” and also have another feature on the US site called More Tea, Vicar in which they discuss the niceties of drinking tea in England which “the whole nation's been potty about” since 1660.
“Each month” they say, “we'll be looking at a very specific English tea and filling you in on the full facts, so that in no time at all, you'll know your assam from your elbow”.
I’m just worried that this sort of sophisticated humour and witty innuendo will be lost on the average American.
It’s quite often said that many people can remember exactly what they were doing when they heard about an important event. So I decided to put this to the test by racking my brains to see if I could recall what I was up to at the time of some popular earth-shattering events through the years.
I have a distinct recollection of what I was doing when I first became aware of the tragedy at the World Trade Centre – I was watching the telly. And the events of that day had such a profound effect on me that I can still remember the exact date – September 11th.
Similarly I remember hearing about John Lennon’s death and I have a vivid memory of being sat in front of the telly at the time.
When the news of Princess Diana’s tragic accident in Paris came through, I’m pretty sure I remember that I was watching telly. And likewise when Nelson Mandela was freed from prison, I am almost certain I was staring at the old goggle-box.
When the Berlin wall came crashing down, at first I thought I had a hazy recollection of being sat in the garden in a deckchair having a quiet snooze. But on second thoughts that was when my neighbour’s garden wall came crashing down after being rammed by a learner driver who had mounted the pavement. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure the Berlin wall thing happened at some other time, probably when I was snoozing in front of the telly.
When the Queen was crowned back in 1953, that was of course decades before I was born. But I bet my parents have fond memories of being sat in front of a small black and white set round the corner at one of their more affluent neighbours.
And when news broke of Elvis’s death in 1977, I’m almost certain I was watching the telly. Although Mrs Letters begs to differ.
She seems to think that I was sat on the toilet in a sequinned suit eating a cheeseburger at the time. I believe she may be confusing me with someone else.
As I am many miles removed from Swindon, I like the fact that the online Adver includes a copy of today’s front page so I can see what I’m missing. And it’s becoming something of a hobby with me to try and match the headline on the Adver’s front page with the corresponding online news item.
Sometimes it can be tricky. For example, it’s not immediately obvious that a headline such as IT WAS JUST LIKE X FACTOR in the newspaper translates as Hundred made redundant on the website. And that’s part of the fun!
It’s a parallel universe where a psychiatric patient becomes a “mentally-ill man” and a killing becomes a “frenzied attack” (and that’s just one headline).
I suppose in the real world the Adver has to be a lot more shouty as it is on sale in newsagents and is vying for your attention alongside other quality rivals such as The Sport and Nuts, so it needs to resort to bold headlines and a tabloid approach to try and make it stand out.
But in cyberspace there’s no such pressure – you, the reader, are already on the website and the content is all free so you get a much more reasonable and unsensational approach.
Here’s some of the best website/front page combinations from the past few weeks, including one rarity where there is not much difference between the two headlines, and also one I made up.
• Man sold cigarettes from ice cream van … MR CIGGY!
• Heart patient’s plea launches ‘Gift of Life’ Message … GO ON, SAVE A LIFE TODAY!
• Psychiatric patient admits killing his stepfather … MENTALLY-ILL MAN KILLED STEPFATHER IN FRENZIED ATTACK
• Man accused of raping vice girls … COURT TOLD OF BRUTAL ATTACKER WHO PREYED ON VICE GIRLS
• Man writes blog … MAN BITES DOG
• Don’t let them get away with it … DON’T LET THESE PERVERTS GET AWAY WITH IT
Now I don't want you to think I am in any way obsessed my brothels, massage parlours and the like - perish the thought! - but you must admit it that it is a strange and wonderful coincidence that 15 years ago almost to the day (Thursday 22nd April 1993) the following column appeared in the Evening Advertiser.
As the Germans say, plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose ...
Just as remarkable is the fact that today marks exactly a year since my first blog (23rd April 2007). That's 144 postings in 12 months or precisely 12 per month or 2.76 per week.
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Casting a less than objective eye over the trivial happenings of everyday life on both sides of the Atlantic.
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Letters from America Casting a less than objective eye over the trivial happenings of everyday life on both sides of the Atlantic. Email me: letters2america @aol.com.
