Living with a serviceman who has PTSD can have be devastating for the whole family, discovers SARAH SINGLETON

LOUISE will never forget the day her husband locked her into her home with her two sons and tried to set the house on fire.

It was the culmination of years of struggle, trying to support the man she loved while he was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, following his time in the Armed Forces. A Rifleman, he had seen active service in Kosovo and Afghanistan.

Now, having rebuilt her life and in recovery from the secondary trauma of coping with a loved one with PTSD, Louise* is calling for more support for the partners and families of those caring for armed forces veterans in the grip of PTSD – support which she finally found with an organisation called The Ripple Pond.

“I finally found other people like me,” Louise said.

“I had felt very isolated and I was made to feel it was only me. But when I could start to talk about what had happened, others were saying, ‘yes, this is my husband too, this was our life’.

“A lot of behaviours are very similar, and quite a lot of relationships do break down, but more are struggling on.”

She is part of a closed group of The Ripple Pond on Facebook, where members can share experiences and open up to other people supporting partners with emotional or physical injuries.

The charity was set up by two mothers of seriously wounded servicemen to offer support to adult family members coping with these difficult circumstances.

“It’s a place where people can get things off their chest, offload and share experiences most people just don’t understand. It has helped a lot of people,” Louise said.

“People love and want to support their partners. You think you can fix them – but you can’t,” she said.

Louise, a Swindon mum of three, had supported her husband through several years of mental illness, but the attempted fire was the final straw.

The couple had been living apart since 2013 but now she realised he could not be part of her life, or her children’s lives again.

He was charged with arson and endangering life, held on remand for five months, but ultimately was found not guilty in court because the jury was not convinced of the intention of his actions.

“I have not seen him since,” Louise said.

The couple met in 2008, when he was still in the armed forces but had a medical discharge. The relationship progressed quickly and the couple married in 2011 and had two sons. Louise already had a daughter from a previous relationship.

Although her husband had always struggled with his mental health, she said his condition spiralled after the birth of their second son.

“He was very paranoid. He seemed petrified someone was out to get him. It made him very edgy. Sometimes he seemed to have dissociative episodes when he couldn’t remember what he had said or done. Sometimes he would get angry and throw furniture.

“He would say he didn’t remember and tell me I was going crazy. It was horrible – I would start questioning myself. In the end, he thought I was out to get him.”

Louise encouraged her husband to get help and urged him to seek advice but said he remained in denial.

“I had no one to help me,” she said. “There was a lot of support out there for him, if he would take it, and a lot of charities, but I might as well not have existed. I don’t think that’s right.”

The situation came to a head in 2013 when he threatened to punch Louise’s teenage daughter. Louise told him he had to move out.

He returned to his parents, and Louise hoped he might finally seek treatment. His condition went from bad to worse, and he tried to take his life four times, blaming her for his desperation.

Then in October 2015, he turned up unannounced at the house, at five in the morning.

“I wondered where he had been all night to turn up at that hour. He claimed not to know so I checked his phone messages and in doing so found out he had been having an affair. I went downstairs and told him it was over and to get out of the house, and he turned extremely aggressive and shut himself in the kitchen.

“While this was happening, both children were in my room, but my son started to come down so I went up to the first floor to keep him from going down.”

When she went back downstairs, Louise realised her keys to the front and backdoor were missing. She could smell something in the kitchen, and found the gas hob alight with a kitchen roll burning on top of it.

“I grabbed it and threw it in the sink and rang the police. That is also the reason we had to move as I was very scared,” she said. “I was completely in shock, to be honest. It didn’t truly hit me until the police said he tried to kill you and the children. I honestly hadn’t let that thought in.”

Louise believes his mental health issues preceded his time in the armed forces, but his experiences of conflict caused these problems to spiral.

“They trained him to be a killing machine,” she said. “I think that broke him.”

Now Louise is returning to college and wants to start a new career in law, inspired by what has happened to her, so one day she can advocate for other families that find themselves in a similar situation.

“I would never have done anything like this before,” she said. “I was always the meek little wife, putting on a face, pretending everything was okay.”

“If anyone finds themselves in similar situation, go to The Ripple Pond to contact people who understand what you are going through. If you need to be in a safe place, go to Women’s Aid.

“I joined a 12-week group called the Recovery Toolkit through Women’s Aid, for people who have left abusive situations, and I learnt so much. It starts off dark, but by the end you have strength.”

A spokesman from The Ripple Pond said Swindon had a large military presence but the secondary trauma among carers of veterans and personnel received little attention. Some 98 per cent of The Ripple Pond members report they feel more empowered and capable of coping with their loved ones after having attended one of the nationwide, peer-led group meetings.

“Ripple Pond members are often anonymous as they live under strain from their partners who feel the ‘injury’ lies with them alone,” said Louise.

For further information visit www.theripplepond.org.

* Names have been changed

FACTFILE:

THE Ripple Pond was set up by Julia Molony in 2012 in the aftermath of a life-changing injury suffered by her son, Anthony Harris, while he was serving in Afghanistan in 2009.

It was his sixth tour of duty in seven years, and when Julia travelled to Birmingham to see him, with her daughter-in-law and two young grandchildren, she discovered the facility only had accommodation for Anthony’s wife, not for her.

“It was a double blow that I wasn’t involved,” she recalls.

Julia is a psychotherapist and she realised about a year later that she was herself suffering symptoms of post-traumatic stress because of the terrible injuries her son had suffered.

After talking this over with colleagues, she decided to set up a self help group. Shortly afterwards, she was joined by Sue Hawkins, whose son had also been injured.

“It is very much a case of sharing experiences and strategies,” Julia explains.

The organisation became a charity in 2015 and has a membership of around 500, with a head office in Aldershot.

Anthony, who lost a leg and now uses a prosthetic, was changed forever, but he has rebuilt his life with the support of his family.

“He’s very active – and plays cricket. He has a military sense of humour and if his prosthetic falls off when he’s playing he just laughs,” Julia said.

“He has a lovely wife and gorgeous children.”

The organisation helps adult family members of those suffering both physical and emotional injuries.

For further information, visit theripplepond.org. Contact can be made by telephone on 01252 913021 or email admin@theripplepond.org.