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THE LIST: Nine stages of facial hair evolution at Swindon Town
4:37pm Tuesday 25th February 2014 in Sport
1. Grenville Morris and the Isosceles Triangle
Nowadays, facial hair can be a bit of a throwaway phenomena - produced largely by laziness rather than dedication. Back in Grenville Morris’s day, however, it was an art in itself.
The frontman scored 44 goals in 50 appearances for the Robins between 1896 and 1899 and we can only imagine his spectacular hit rate was down, at least in part, to opponents marvelling at the geometric wonders of his beautifully crafted tash.
2. The nasal brush by Bob Menham
We’re not sure which fact about Town’s turn-of-the-century goalkeeper is more impressive - that he managed three goals in a single season back in 1900/01 or that the modern roadsweeper was modelled on his well cultivated top tip.
Okay, we made the second one up.
FYI...Menham made 167 Town appearances, with his goals coming against QPR, Staple Hill (who they?) and New Brompton.
3. Jimmy Munro’s lost his mouth
Munro tragically died of spinal meningitis at the age of 28 during his time with Swindon Town, having scored 18 goals in 93 appearances from centre-half.
Had he lived a full life, we wonder whether the Scot would have found the entire bottom half of his face submerged beneath his curtain moustache.
4. Oops, I did it again
Paul Gilchrist didn’t get much of a chance in Town colours and, to be honest, he didn’t help himself with this visual monstrosity - believed to be the first recorded attempt at a tash perm.
Gilchrist scored eight times in 22 appearances for Swindon before Andy Rowland arrived with a (much better) moustache of his own and took his place.
5. Unbelievable Jeff
Chris Kamara might be best known now for single-handedly reversing the evolution of live reporting on Gillette Soccer Saturday but a quarter of a century or so ago he was the height of fashion.
Snoop Dogg’s portrayal of Huggy Bear in the 2004 film adaptation of Starsky & Hutch is said to have been based around Kammy’s unique stylistics.
6. Darling, where have you put my razor?
We’ve all been through it. Sometimes you just can’t be bothered, sometimes you think you’re breaking boundaries and then there’s the time you’re late for a job interview and your better half has managed to chuck the Wilkinson Sword refills away in yet another moment of air-headed daftness.
Taking a quick peek at this effort from Roy Greenwood back in 1981, it would appear that Mrs Greenwood was a serial razor-chucker. Either that or Roy had managed to catch a glimpse of the Castaway storyboards two decades before their release.
7. The happy caterpillar
John Gorman was on a hiding to nothing during his time at the County Ground. Chucked into a Mariana Trench-sized deep end following the departure of Glenn Hoddle to Chelsea, he was tasked with keeping understrength Town in the Premier League.
It was a sad and lonely job, as Swindon conceded a record 100 goals during their relegation term. Or at least it would have been lonely, had it not been for Gorman’s fuzzy friend.
8. Killer king
Let’s be frank, this entire section could have been dedicated to Brian ‘Killer’ Kilcline and nobody would have complained.
The midfielder had more hairdos than a barbershop catalogue during his time with Coventry, Newcastle and Town - ranging from the ‘horny viking’ through ‘unstable janitor’ right the way up to the ‘Alexi Lalas has nothing on this’. Nobody could compare to him then or now and, quite honestly, it’s unlikely his combinations will ever be bettered.
9. V for Lee Peacock
Guy Fawkes masks have been all the rage since blokes discovered they attracted the likes of Natalie Portman and the cheeky, angled all-in-one is now the ‘face’ of cyber-braggers Anonymous.
Striker Lee Peacock sculpted his own V-do in the mid-2000s and, though he never pulled a Hollywood hottie or hacked into the FBI mainframe, he did once perform a breakdance celebration after netting against Grimsby. Anarchy in action.