“DO you know any four-year-olds? They can climb over anything.”

These are the words of Thane Maynard, the director of Cincinatti Zoo.

And he’s right. Those little scamps can wriggle their way into places you didn’t think were possible.

Like, for instance, a gorilla enclosure at a zoo.

When you’re four, you don’t realise the danger in the world - gorillas, elephants, snakes and tigers... they’re magnificent, beautiful animals who you think will like you.

Harambe, the 400lb gorilla, seemed to like the little four-year-old boy who climbed into his enclosure. He was holding his hand when his keepers shot him dead.

Witness reports say the gorilla was acting protectively towards the boy and did not exhibit any threatening behavior.

Video footage shows Harambe standing over the boy in the corner of the moat, appearing to shield him from the screaming crowd above.

But Harambe didn’t stand a chance.

A colleague of mine suggested that what they had there was a hostage situation, and they should have negotiated with the gorilla to release the boy in exchange for one of his parents.

A fair point. How on earth do you take your kid - a small kid at that - to the zoo and not notice as he breaks through what is presumably fairly high security and ends up holding hands with a gorilla? Zoos are supposed to be safe, family friendly places. And yet a four-year-old can outwit the system. Really?

So, apparently it was easy enough to keep a wild animal in captivity in a city zoo. Apparently it was easy enough to build a few fences to (almost) keep the public safe.

Apparently it wasn’t easy enough to dart him with a tranquiliser. They said it would take too long to take effect. Perhaps if we’re going to face situations like this more work needs to be done on tranquiliser guns so they can be used when they are most needed.

This animal did nothing wrong. Reports suggest he was possibly more frightened than the four-year-old, such were the screams of panic that confronted him.

The boy was saved. Harambe was shot dead instantly.

Meanwhile, at Santiago’s Metropolitan Zoo in Chile, two lions were shot dead.

Why? Because a man who was suicidal jumped into their enclosure, stripped naked and started antagnosing them.

The man survived and is in hospital. The animals are no more.

We keep an animal in captivity and when he is actually being protective towards one of our own, we shoot him dead. A human uses wild animals as a way to commit suicide. And we shoot those animals dead.

We take these animals out of their natural environment, ruin their lives and destroy their social structure all so people with four-year-old children and people who don’t want to live any more can get closer to them.

We are the ones who should be shot.

  •  WHAT is going on at Virgin Media? Are they bored? Are they lonely?
    On an almost weekly basis I receive a breathlessly excited letter telling me that as my street has already been ‘connected’ it would be ‘so easy to switch you on’.
    I’m not sure if the Carry On level double entendre is intended but it turns me off for a start.
    Plus, thank you Virgin Media, but I already have broadband and I already have a Netflix subscription and, thanks to you, I also have a recycling box that’s bulging to breaking point with your unsolicited solicitings. You could at least send one of your representatives along to help me lug it into the street.
    But seriously now, give it a rest. If I didn’t respond to your utterly resistable offer the first time, I’m not going to on the 50th or 60th time either.
    I’m half expecting to hear, when you publish your financial results, that profits are wildly down because of the amount you’re spending on wasted letters and unnecessary postage.
    Do yourselves a favour and stop sending me your needy little letters - you’re starting to sound desperate.
    If you don’t, I’m going to start marking them Return to Sender. See how you like them apples.
  •  SEE McDonald’s at the Orbital has undergone a digital revolution.
    Now when you go along, 
    you don’t need to go and queue to place your order, you can do it from a touchscreen and have the food arrive at your table without having flexed anything more than your fingertips.
    I can’t help thinking that of all places, a burger joint would do well to encourage its customers to move about a bit. Overloaded with sugary, fatty, calorific grub, the last thing they should be doing is sitting still. 
    Perhaps they could play Jane Fonda’s Workout over the speaker system so everyone could do a little exercise while they wait?