WHEN I was seven or eight, to my eternal horror, my mother read my diary. It was my Paddington Bear diary, in which I’d scribbled various personal thoughts and observations, made a note of who I’d played with after school, and kept a record of important information – birthdays, school tests and the sort.

I know she read it because one day, as she was putting the clean laundry away in my room, she stopped and said sarcastically: “You’re still here then.”

Which confused me for a moment – until she revealed that she’d seen in my diary the entry which read: “I am going to run away.”

Now I can’t remember which slight had prompted such a drastic reaction. I probably hadn’t been allowed to stay up and watch Dallas, a clear violation of my human rights, which probably led me to the conclusion that I’d be better off going it alone.

Of course, Mother was right – I was still there.

I can’t remember exactly what brought about my change of heart but I’m fairly sure that it was something to do with not having a sensible plan for the future.

Where would I live? How would I get food? How would I find time to earn a living and go to school? And who would do my washing?

No. As the list of uncertainties grew, the more sure I was that the sensible thing was to stay put.

Now, getting on for 40 years later, it seems to me that the Brexiteers at the helm of this fine land would do well to learn from my eight-year-old self. Fellas, it’s best to think things through properly – and it’s kinda really definitely necessary to have a plan. Preferably a sensible one.

It is not yet a week since the UK opted out of the EU and a number of our politicians are running round like headless chickens. If they’re not resigning, they’re busy denying that everyone wants them to resign. And if they’re not doing either of those things, they’re sitting in limousines being shouted at by angry cyclists.

Loveable mop head BoJo looks like he’s woken up on Christmas morning to find Santa’s brought him the Lego House of Commons he’s always wanted only to find he doesn’t like it as much as he thought he would.

Meanwhile, Froggy McFrogface is busy unpromising all the things he promised. Even he, as leader of the UK Independence Party, doesn’t seem to have given a moment’s thought as to what might be the best way forward should the UK actually get its independence. Maybe we’ve missed the point and the UK Independence Party is all about the Party and less about the Independence bit.

Old Nige is probably busy writing out the invitations and blowing up balloons as we speak.

“Dear Guest. In honour of England opting out of Europe, losing Scotland, then Northern Ireland and finding half our citizens suddenly have Irish passports, I would like to invite you to a celebration of England and Wales against the rest of the world.

“Going forward we expect to survive on our exports of clotted cream, fudge, laver bread and Kendal mint cake. Do join us to get as drunk as possible so we can blot out this sorry mess for another evening...”

Meanwhile, the day to day business of running this country seems to be fast disappearing up the spout. Europe wants us to sling our hook asap but our shambling bunch of leaders would find it hard to organise their way out of their own front door at the moment.

We’re soon to have no prime minister, the Labour opposition is obsessed with in-fighting and Jeremy Corbyn seems to have become a hermit, and has anyone even seen a Lib Dem recently?

Sadly we’re stuck with this decision now – our only hope is that our economy isn’t too dented by it and that peace in Europe doesn’t come under threat.

But it would be a big help if the politicians stopped worrying about themselves and started taking care of the country again.

Seriously, lads, even as a child I knew not to run away without a plan.

  •  EARLIER this week, a number of shopping centres across the land covered up their mirrors in a bid to stop women feeling body conscious.

The press release informed us breathlessly: “This initiative comes as shocking new insights reveal that almost three quarters of British women (71%) don’t feel confident buying a new outfit after they’ve tried it on and looked in the changing room mirror.”

It continued: “With summer approaching and bikini season under way, women are even more body conscious than usual, so the initiative inspires women to be proud of their bodies and feel confident both inside and out. Everyone has the right to feel good about themselves, it goes without saying that looking good comes from feeling good within.”

Nice sentiment, but looking good also comes from wearing clothes that suit you, flatter your shape and colouring and fit properly. These are all things that can be achieved by looking in the mirror. The press release even suggests women should buy their bikinis without checking what they look like in the mirror. Are you mad? No woman in her right mind would do that.

So if you start seeing hordes of women dressed in mismatched clothes that don’t do anything for them or bikinis they really shouldn’t be wearing, you’ll know why.

  • I WENT to the Dragonboat racing at Coate at the weekend and met a very charming man who left me rather puzzled.

A fellow volunteer with whom I was manning our charity stall was sporting a fluorescent orange bib with the words ‘Swindon Talking Newspaper for the Blind’ emblazoned across it.

“Swindon Talking Newspaper for the Blind!” exclaimed the very charming man. “I get listening books from the library. I can’t read you see, I’m dyslexic.”

We duly promised to take him a leaflet explaining the free service Swindon Talking News offers.

We were on our way back to deliver said leaflet to him when it dawned on me.

“How did he know who we were?” I asked.