IT is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman in possession of a full-time job must be in want of a wife.

Or at least this is what my hardworking pals and I have decided.

I had the pleasure of a week off last week and on the first day alone I’d cleaned, washed up at least three times, cooked, tidied and walked the dog four times. There was barely chance to pause for breath, let alone turn on Loose Women or flick through a magazine.

“How on earth do I ever find time to go to work?” I asked myself.

By the time Thursday rolled around, I had gotten so deep into domestic bliss I was thrown into a spin by the pending return of the dog’s owner the following day.

“I must make a list of things to do,” I said to myself, “so as not to forget anything.”

The list consisted of: 1. Wash up 2. Charge phone 3. Eat dinner.

How quickly the mundane business of day-to-day life becomes all-consuming.

By contrast, today, I’ve had to drop the dog off at the dog sitters’, prepare material for my volunteer shift at Swindon Talking News, come to work where I have 21 pages to sub (that means draw, copy edit and headline) and this column to write.

After that, I have to pick up the dog, go and do my shift at Talking News, make supper, possibly return to work if there are any odds and ends to finish off and then go to my knitting club. And I haven’t even written a list to remind myself to do everything (I haven’t got time).

Of course it’s better to be busy than bored, but I know I’m not alone in struggling to get everything done between working and running a home.

Feminism is a great thing, but I wish someone had considered that equal rights for women in the workplace didn’t necessarily align with equal rights in the home.

Now rather than having to stop at home and cook, clean and mend, I have to go to work — and then cook, clean and mend.

There are only two solutions to this: 1. Give up work 2. Give up housework.

And since I only get paid for no. 1, it looks like housework is going to have to go neglected. Unless, of course, I can find myself a 1950s housewife...

  • IT’S great to hear that the council and the police have decided to take a common sense approach to the tent dwellers in the Lawns.

However, one of the people the Adver spoke to said they were concerned about the state of the woods. I have to say, I haven’t noticed any rubbish and having spoken to a couple of the people staying in the tents, they appear to be thoroughly charming.
One of them even threw the ball for the dog, which was a nice treat as my throwing leaves a lot to be desired, even with one of those plastic ball chuckers.
I must also admit I can’t think of a nicer spot to while away your time than the Lawns in late spring. But on a serious note, presumably these people are living like this because they have no alternative. I’d therefore suggest that visitors to the Lawns stop and think ‘there but for the grace of God’ and drop the Nimby attitude.

Golden rules to keep yourself out of trouble...

I’VE been dog sitting for the past week and I’ve learned some valuable tips which I’d like to share.
Dogs have four modes: sleeping; eating; out on walkies; wanting something (usually a walk or food).
I have developed the following tips for those tricky moments when they are not sleeping, out walking or eating:
1. Do not put your socks or shoes on — this is a sure sign you’re going for a walk.
2. Do not put your makeup on or dry your hair — this is a sure sign you’re about to put your socks and shoes on and go for a walk.
3. If you are in bed and it is gone 7am and you need to nip to the loo, lie still and suffer. Any movement at this point is a sure sign you are going to go for a walk.
4. Do not touch their lead or ball — this is a sure sign you’re going for a walk. You have about a 10-minute window after a walk in which you can pick up their lead and ball and tidy it away. After that, it’s a sure sign you’re going for another walk, even if it is only 20 minutes since you got back from the last one.
5. Never say the Code Word. For some this is w-a-l-k-i-e-s. In this particular household it’s s-h-a-l-l w-e?. Therefore avoid saying things like ‘shall we see who just rang?’. The second part of the sentence is irrelevant — the dog has heard you say ‘shall we’ and this is a sure sign you’re going for a walk. Interestingly, once you’re out on a walk if you say ‘shall we’ as in ‘shall we go home now?’ the phrase no longer has any meaning and the dog will ignore you.
6. Do not enter the kitchen — this is a sure sign you’re about to feed them.
7. If you do find yourself in the kitchen, do not open the fridge or any cupboards and never under any circumstances touch any form of packaging. This is a sure sign you’re about to feed them.
8. Do not have a bath or pick up a magazine and lie on the couch — this is a sure sign you’re not about to go for a walk or feed them and this will prompt guilt-inducing sighs, raised furry eyebrows and other signs of depression. You have done nothing wrong, but the dog will make you feel like reporting yourself to the RSPCA.
9. If you and the dog are comfortably lying on the couch and the dog is asleep, do not move even slightly to make yourself more comfortable. The dog will look at you as though you worst person on the planet and you will again consider turning yourself in to the RSPCA.
10. If the dog is transitioning between the sleep phase and the wanting something phase, beware. The slightest movement — for instance, standing up from having been sat down — is a sure sign that you’re going for a walk or are about to feed them. There’s a reason they say let sleeping dogs lie.