ONLY two weeks into my salad-based diet and already I am feeling like I’m made of salad.

Being fiftysomething can be a struggle sometimes, but the biggest challenge of all is trying to fend off that inevitable middle-aged spread. The latest battle in the war on waist has seen me lay off the tasty things that make me happy, and go for bland stuff that comes straight out of the dirt.

It’s not exactly fun, so I have turned to my friend Google for support. He’s been sifting through the advice on the internet for me, in a conversation that went something like this: GC: I’m trying to lose weight, but I really don’t like vegetables. Any advice?

Google: Vegetables are yummy! Are you sure you’re cooking them properly? People often ruin the taste by over-cooking.

GC: You don’t understand. I don’t eat cooked vegetables because I don’t like them.

Google: Really? People often say that, but it usually turns out there are some they like.

GC: Only peas. And I can take uncooked salad vegetables in small doses.

Google: But have you tried them all? There are some interesting and exotic ones like kale and butternut squash.

GC: Please understand. I don’t even like the regular ones, such as runner beans and carrots, so I’m hardly likely to be excited by butternut squash, am I?

Google: Let me have a think… I know! Think sauces! Liven up your greens and even spice them up with… GC: I’ve tried that. It helps a bit, but there’s no getting away from the fact that, underneath, they’re still vegetables.

Google: In that case, have you thought about soup? You can make a lovely soup out of most vegetables in only a few minutes.

GC: I don’t think you’re getting this. I don’t see how turning it into liquid is going to make it more appealing. In fact, it’s even worse.

Google: Oh dear. Your mum should have made you eat your greens when you were younger, ha ha!

GC: I knew it would come down to that, sooner or later. Look – if you don’t like vegetables, you can’t train yourself to like them. Either you like them or you don’t. I’ve had over 50 years of this so far, and I think I would have been able to change my appetite by now if it was possible.

Google: But they’re yummy!

GC: No they’re not. Please don’t say that again.

Google: I have some lovely recipes involving courgettes.

GC: I wouldn’t eat a courgette if it was the last piece of food on the earth.

Google: It sounds like you’ve got some kind of natural aversion to greens. Hold on – I do have a page about people called ‘supertasters’ who have a gene that makes vegetables taste differently – usually more bitter. It’s possibly an evolutionary thing that helped their ancestors identify toxins in vegetables, and it’s pretty common, actually.

GC: Now you’re talking. Tell me more.

Google: Well, there isn’t much more, I’m afraid. But I have nine million cauliflower recipes, 15 million ideas for cooking vegetables better, and half a billion websites repeating the fact that eating boring vegetables makes you healthy.

GC: But not necessarily happy.

Google: None of them say anything about being happy.

GC: Is that it, then? Is that all you have to offer?

Google: No. There is one more thing. Did I mention that vegetables are yummy?