ROGUE trading cold callers are in the crosshairs of council Trading Standards officers and the police.

They marked National Rogue Trader Week by handing out information and urging people to use only traders involved in the excellent Buy With Confidence Scheme.

In case anybody didn’t get the message about the dodgy folk who turn up on your doorstep, here’s my recap of what they say and what they really mean: They say: “Would you like a free quotation for double glazing?”

They mean: “Would you like to spend five hours of your life being harangued in your lounge by a sentient oil slick with a cheap suit and weapons grade dandruff? Would you like to be bullied into spending two years’ salary on some nasty tat that’ll let the warmth out in winter and the flies in come summer? Would you like credit on terms that would make Tony Soprano and Paulie Walnuts blush?”

They say: “We’d like to send a surveyor to examine your walls.”

They mean: “We’d like to send some random bloke to examine your walls. He’ll tell you they’re going to fall down and kill your loved ones unless you buy our miracle masonry covering for 20 grand. Once we’ve got your 20 grand, our miracle masonry covering will trap any moisture. Then the walls really will fall down and kill your loved ones.”

They say: “You could halve your power bills by installing solar panels.”

They mean: “Provided you spend about 70 grand on the aforesaid solar panels. They’ll start to pay for themselves round about the time your grandchildren notice their first grey hairs.”

They say: “Release the equity in your house by selling it to us and then renting it back!”

They mean: “Sell your house to us for about a quarter of the market value, then have us triple the rent after a fortnight and chuck you out.”

They say: “You’ve won a free holiday!”

They mean: “Free apart from the flights, the meals, the insurance, the sundry expenses and the travel to and from the airports at both ends. Oh, and you’ll be taken to a remote location with no mobile reception and given a timeshare presentation by some people who look like they might just kill you if you decline their kind offer.”

They say: “We’d like to clean your carpet for free.”

They mean: “We’d also like to bully you into spending a couple of grand on vacuum cleaner that’s no better than one for a twentieth of the price down at the supermarket. It’s about as manoeuvrable as stack of bricks and heavy enough to herniate Geoff Capes. If you’re reluctant, we’ll accuse you of living in a filthy house and trying to have your kids savaged by carpet beetles.”

They say: “We’re doing some work in the area and we’ve noticed you have a slate missing from your roof.”

They mean: “It’s missing because we chucked a rock at it while you were out, and we were hoping you’d see your way clear to letting us charge about three grand over the odds to replace it.”

They say: “We’d like to talk to you about joining a religion.”

They mean: “We’ll leave out the bit about having to shun your own children, parents or siblings if they do something that’s against our rules.”

They say: “We’d like to talk to you about joining a [different] religion.”

They mean: “We’ll leave out the bit about being officially racist until as recently as the Age of Disco.”

They say: “Vote for me.”

Ah, hell – fill that one in for yourselves.

HE'S IN GOOD HANDS

VICTIMS of Christopher ‘Mr Woodz’ Baines are understandably disappointed that he won’t be back from the States any time soon.

Baines, you’ll recall, was jailed for five years in his absence a couple of years ago, having ripped off customers of his shop in the Brunel Centre.

He had to be dealt with in his absence after being released on bail in spite of having a record as long as an orang-utan’s upper limb.

Now he’s facing court proceedings for allegedly ripping somebody off in Georgia and interfering with a witness.

None of these alleged offences, of course, would have been possible without the assistance of senior British officials in unleashing the fraudster.

But that’s by-the-by. What I want to say to the Swindon victims is that they should look on the bright side. I was talking to one of them in the pub a while back, and they pointed out that Baines has been in custody since last autumn.

That means he’s already served a goodly portion of the term he would have served over here before early release.

My friends must be very forgiving people, though. I’d had a few beers and details of the conversation are hazy, but I think I remember them saying they hoped he was fed well and looked after during his time in prison in the Deep South.

ONE DIRECTION? ANY DIRECTION WILL DO...

WELL done to sharp-eyed and courageous PCSO Alex Pawlowski, who thwarted a series of planned business burglaries when he spotted a group of crooks trying to jemmy a shop door.

It was later discovered that the gang had programmed a satnav with the locations of other targets.

I think Mr Pawlowski’s actions are a fine rebuke to those who claim PCSOs are ineffective, but I can’t help wondering whether it would have been best for the gang to be allowed to escape and continue their criminal quest.

If my satnav experiences are anything to go by, they’d have ended up driving into a canal or off a cliff long before they got to their next target.

PUB MAP IS INCOMPLETE...

l THE London Underground-style Swindon pub map is a great thing, but it should be subtitled: “At the beginning of the evening.”

Perhaps there’ll be another one for later in the evening, with random squiggly lines and diversions taking in local fast food establishments.

And maybe one just for me which features skips, back alleys, abandoned cars and other places suitable as a resting place when one is suddenly overcome by fatigue.