THIS week, I have a helpful announcement for those of you who like breaking into other people’s houses and stealing their property or doing even worse things.

Don’t worry about setting off a burglar alarm as it’s the chief constable’s official policy not to attend.

As long as you don’t leave obvious evidence of your activities, such as a smashed window or a broken door, or perhaps a brutalised householder who manages to struggle free and make it outside, and as long as you make sure whatever you’re doing isn’t visible to neighbours and passers-by, feel free to take your time.

No, really, it’s not a trick. I’m not fronting some sort of sting operation involving lulling you into a false sense of security.

It’s the truth, and I discovered it the other day.

On Saturday morning an alarm belonging to people living across the street from me began blasting loudly enough to be heard more than a hundred yards away. That, obviously, is what burglar alarms are supposed to do.

Peering out of the window, I couldn’t see anything going on inside the house, but nor did the noise stop. As I didn’t want to end up as one of those contemptible people who fails to stop something horrible from happening because they ‘didn’t want to get involved,’ I thought I’d better call somebody.

Conscious that it might be a malfunctioning alarm and the owners absent, I called the non-emergency number for some advice first. Whoever I spoke to said they’d put me through to the police, but seconds later there was a recorded message saying there was no connection. I called again, but with the same result.

By now a bit worried, I dialled 999, only to be told – in the sort of tone infant school teachers reserve for especially slow children – that 999 was for emergencies only. Had I been calling to report, say, a dropped ice cream or my TV remote not working properly, I could have understood and sympathised with her attitude, but as things stood I was left feeling a bit bewildered and humiliated.

If you’re reading this, 999 person, I want to tell you I made an honest mistake. You see, I thought the possibility – however remote – of my neighbours having their house ransacked or being murdered in their beds counted as an emergency.

I’d like to apologise for making you angry, 999 person. Having said that, the next time I read one of those tabloid news stories about people who abuse the 999 system, I daresay I’ll wonder how many of those ‘abusers’ are ordinary members of the public who had the temerity to be very worried about the welfare of fellow human beings.

Oh, and I hope your refund from the charm school comes through without any hitches. Anyway, the 999 person told me to call the non-emergency line that I’d tried to call in the first place, so I did.

This time I was actually connected to a member of the police force who was calm and courteous.

Having heard my story, though, she calmly and courteously told me that unless there was visible evidence of a break-in, or somebody was seen running away, it was the chief officer’s policy not to attend. She suggested that I call the council’s noise nuisance people.

I didn’t want to, as I don’t regard burglar alarms as a true noise nuisance; they’re supposed to be intrusive.

I called anyway, though, only to be told they couldn’t do anything until Monday.

This is the official police line: “Police support the use of private alarms as a deterrent to thieves, however they will not attend audible alarms unless there is other supporting evidence to suggest a break in.

“However, if officers are in a vicinity they will not ignore audible alarms, they would make local enquiries.

“Home owners can also pay for a private alarm service who will contact police if an alarm is activated but police will only attend if there is also supporting evidence such as a movement detection or more than one area activated.”

I hasten to add that I don’t want to be seen as in any way knocking ground-level police officers, who encounter things just about every day which would make most of us run away, seek therapy or both. Policies like this don’t come from ground level. The alarm stopped sounding that afternoon, by the way.

I haven’t seen my neighbours yet.

If you’re a householder thinking of getting an alarm, I suggest a model that hooks up to a central office, a mobile security patrol or anybody else who’ll actually do something should it be activated.

Calling in all those baldies

WELL done to hair stylists Briony Curtis and Kelly Kerr, who are going to attempt 80 cuts in 40 hours for a fine cause.

Briony will be joined at the Absolutely Gorgeous salon in Watchfield by Kelly, from Bellaviso in Faringdon.

The money they raise will help toddler Reece Barends, who has cancer.
They’re charging £20 for a ladies’ wash and cut and £10 for a gents’ cut.

I’m sure they’ll achieve their goal with time to spare, but if things do get a bit tight, they need a secret weapon in their arsenal. That weapon is baldy blokes who have a Number One cut or shorter on whatever’s left, because they don’t want to look like a mad professor or have a combover.

Before they start their challenge on the last day of the month, the stylists should get all the baldy blokes they know on speed dial. Then, if a crisis comes, they can do about a dozen with the clippers in less than 10 minutes.

Remember, to book a cut – a proper one, that is – get in touch with the stylists at their home salons.

Height of stupidity

DID you hear about the problems over at Aspen House, the knackered 12-storey town centre building currently being demolished as part of the town centre regeneration?

Apparently assorted fools are using scaffolding as a great big climbing frame. If this were some sort of urban exploration-related thing, or else the work of those thrill-seekers who film themselves hanging by one finger from bridges and whatnot, I could just about understand it in the same way I understand mountaineering, caving or skydiving.

However, it seems the ones at Aspen House just go in there to smash the place up.
Here’s hoping none of them falls, as they might land on and damage some useful person or object.

Can't wait for that 4G

IT was great to hear that Swindon has been chosen as one of the first roll-out locations for Vodafone’s new 4G mobile phone service.

It’s estimated that the benefits for businesses in the region will pump an extra £100m or so into our economy over the next few years.

We civilians, meanwhile, can also look forward to great improvements in our own lives thanks to 4G.

After all, nobody likes an amusing cat video or zombie-slaughtering game to start buffering just as we get to the good bit.