I WENT to see Abigail’s Party in Bath the other night and it was pretty good, although Alison Steadman made the role of Beverly so much her own you have to feel slightly sorry every actress who attempts to follow in her footsteps.

But it reminded me of a couple of years ago when I was going to Bath for the press night of Therese Raquin, starring Ms Steadman.

I had the day off work and was in the middle of the housework when I received a message from a colleague asking me to contact the press officer at the theatre as a matter of urgency.

I dialled the number he gave me and a female voice said: “Hello.”

Bit rude, I thought, surely you should be saying something more along the lines of: “Hello, Theatre Royal, Bath, Emma speaking, how may I help you?”

I pressed on. “Oh hello,” I said. “Is that Emma?”

“No,” said the voice. “This is Alison Steadman.”

At which point I was silenced by a sudden gush of love, admiration and fear — not to mention confusion.

I explained I was looking for the press officer and Ms Steadman, Best Actress Ever, informed me I’d come through to her dressing room. Weird.

She didn’t sound too impressed as, startled, I grovelled my apologies and told her I was looking forward to press night that night.

Which was the worst thing I could have said — the press officer was trying to get hold of me to tell me it had been postponed due to technical difficulties.

So, Ms Steadman, if you happen to read this online (unlikely, I know) I’m sorry for freaking you out. D’you know what I mean?

MI5 turns on, tunes in... and drops off

“DAMMIT. Bugger... Oh, I see..... hmm hmm hmmm, oops... that’s the one...

[Silence apart from muffled voices from the television. Bit of a clatter.] “Hello, Mum. Mmmm... yeah... yep... I know.. yeah.. no, not really. Mmmm.... mmmm. did you? No, not really... We won at pub quiz.... I know.... mmm.... mmm... and you, take care, speak soon.”

Brace yourselves for headlines across the planet: Secret service agents found in a coma.

Because if spooks are listening into my sitting room of an evening via my smartphone or computer they’ll get pretty bored pretty quickly. Although they might find they enjoy some of the box sets on Netflix and will probably be intrigued by the latest series of Broadchurch.

Wikileaks has claimed that the CIA and MI5 have the technology to listen in to our every bon mot via our TV sets and smartphones, and are recording our conversations and even taking photographs of us. Uh-oh, better stop slobbing around bra-less in those scratty old sweatpants.

It’s unlikely, of course, that they’re bothering to tune in to the likes of you and me. Who wants to hear us discussing what to have for dinner and moaning about our day at work or bickering over whose turn it is to take the bins out?

However, just in case, I think we should all make an effort to turn this to our advantage. If they are spying on us, it means we all have a hotline to a network of secret agents and people in power.

So tonight when you get home, turn on all your technology, settle down and get a few things off your chest.

“Hello, MI5, I think something needs to be done about Swindon Council’s plans to parish the borough. David Renard, he’s the council leader, can be reached on...”

Or “A bloke cut me up in his car this morning and I think you should go round and have a word. His registration number is...”

I bet you if we all did it, they’d soon stop tuning in.

I really hope I’m not right

SO it seems the police’s search of double murderer Christopher Halliwell’s old backyard has turned up nothing.

Officers said they were acting on information received, and of course we’re all desperate to know what that information was and who passed it on.

The cynic in me suspects it’s come from the low level piece of scum himself purely because he enjoys being in the spotlight. I hope I’m wrong.

The police would have had no choice but to take any information seriously and act on it accordingly. But not only will this have caused extreme anguish to anyone who is missing a loved one and suspects the worst, it will also have cost a fortune to carry out the search at a time when the police force are already strapped for cash.

If I’m right, Halliwell has sunk to new depths, impossible as that may seem.