Graham Carter - the voice of age and experience

I HAVE finally worked out where I have been going wrong all these years.

It’s now clear that if you want to get rich, flog people something that is completely and utterly useless, instead of anything useful.

Like finger spinners or fidget toys (or whatever else you want to call them).

We already knew it was a big craze over here because schools have started banning them, which is a sure sign that something has gone viral, but I have to report it is an international phenomenon.

While on holiday in Croatia, I even saw one grown-up (and I use the term loosely) fiddling with his at the harbour, ironically while watching people sipping champagne on their luxury yachts, seemingly oblivious to the fact that separating fools from their money is the quickest way to be able to afford a yacht.

I am told fidget toys might have some benefit for some people with autism, which would be fair enough, but when you see adults playing with them, you know you have a money-making industry on your hands.

Those of us with long memories will find all this quite nostalgic as we recall previous crazes from our younger days.

Many of those seemed to come from the Continent, starting around the time that Y Viva Espana was number one across the whole of Europe.

I remember my aunt bringing back another useless toy from a holiday in Italy, weeks ahead of them being banned by British schools.

We called them ‘clackers’, and they were even more lucrative than those fidgety things because they consisted only of two plastic balls on the end of a bit of string, so were even cheaper to make.

As long as nobody sued you. It emerged that punters were in danger of breaking bones in their hands or pieces flying off and having their eye out.

I noticed some stalls on the waterfront in Croatia were still selling clackers, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they made a comeback.

However, I have saved until last what I believe could be the most useless and potentially lucrative craze of all time.

I have seen a few of the offending articles on these shores, but on mainland Europe make no mistake that the age of Nordic walking poles is in full swing. Unlike poles used in skiing, which have a purpose, this version for people walking on perfectly flat and non-slippery ground certainly doesn’t.

I read some claims on the internet that they help you improve upper body strength or get your lungs working, or some other nonsense, but the people who sell them have had plenty of time to come up with such fanciful ideas while sipping champagne on their luxury yachts.

The only possible point I can see in spending £30 on a pair of stupid poles is if you are particularly unsteady on your feet and need support, but in that case you would surely be better off seeing the doctor about walking sticks.

I have seen dozens of young, perfectly fit people marching along with them, somehow convinced that a thin metal stick with a handle really can do what they think thousands of years of evolution has failed to achieve, which is to make human beings walk upright efficiently.

So if you are thinking of buying a pair of walking poles, get in contact before I sail off as I am doing a special offer while stocks last. Buy a pair from me and I’ll throw in a free gift of your choice. Would you like a chocolate teapot or an ashtray for your motorbike?