GILL HARRIS' COLUMN: You have got to be kidding us...

It’s a good, old-fashioned mixture of recycled matter and wood pulp, designed to last just long enough for you to check what’s on the telly and line the cat’s litter tray.

However, if we chose to bring you the news on goatskin parchment, you might have to wait a little longer to receive your Adver — and it certainly wouldn’t be landing on your doorstep on a daily basis, as there’s no way the ink would be dry in time.

Yes, on top of the shambles that saw Theresa May’s call for a mandate end in a hung Parliament, there are several other problems facing Blighty now, the biggest of which seems to be the delay of the Queen’s Speech. You know, the bit when everyone gets dolled up to hear Her Majesty read out what the new government has up its sleeve in terms of legislative plans for the coming year.

Rearranging it is tricky, apparently, because Her Maj has got to attend Royal Ascot. Presumably the Tower of London crumbles if she doesn’t.

And she’s already had to cancel the Order Of The Garter ceremony for the first time in 70 years.

That’s when members of the Order — the Queen, senior Royals and 24 knights chosen by the sovereign — gather at Windsor Castle in their full regalia of blue velvet robes, hoods of red velvet worn over the right shoulder and black velvet hats with white feathers.

They parade around a bit and everyone feels proud (and a little bizarre) to be British thanks to all our heritage and history and stuff.

On top of all that, the Queen’s Speech, is proving tricky because it has to be written on thick goatskin parchment and the ink needs several days to dry, so it’s not a case of a dash of Tippex in order to make any last-minute tweaks.

Traditionally, it was written on vellum, which has been used for centuries because it lasts so well. It means Acts Of Parliament from the 1400s can still be read and indeed, just down the road at Salisbury Cathedral, you can still see an original copy of Magna Carta, signed and sealed 802 years ago today. If somebody had faxed it over, it’d be long gone by now.

To add to the lunacy, although goatskin parchment has replaced vellum, there is actually no animal hide involved... it is merely posh paper, with a watermark of a goat. However, the ink still stays wet for several days, it turns out.

You’ve got to assume the rest of the world is scratching its bonce right now and thinking, ‘what the devil is this tomfoolery?’. In a nutshell, the Brits: 1. Can’t decide on a government 2. Can’t miss a horse race 3. Are reeling from cancelling a fancy dress party 4. Can’t print out a speech without Merlin inscribing it in stone with the use of Excalibur watched over by a committee of leprechauns and sprites and then having it proofread by gaslight by the ghost of William Shakespeare.

Of course, I suspect the delay is more down to the fact that Mrs May is in a bit of a pickle and is busily trying to form a coven with the DUP... who, by the way, are against abortion, even for rape victims, against LGBT rights, don’t believe in climate change and do think the world was created by God in six days.

I like to think even the most rabid Tories I know didn’t, and wouldn’t, vote for any of that.

So God knows when — or if — we’ll hear the next government’s policies laid out before Parliament by the Queen.

I can’t say I’ll have much faith in it whatever they come out with.

After all, if it is Mrs May at the helm, this is the woman who said she wouldn’t call a snap election and then called a snap election.

This is the woman who declared that if she lost six seats she’d have lost the election. And went on to lose 12 and is hanging on to power like Wile E Coyote to a cliff edge.

So perhaps they could take a leaf out of our book and use cheap paper designed to disintegrate quickly. After all, half the time their promises aren’t worth the goatskin parchment they’re written on.

Knit one, purl one for health

IT seems I must be one of the healthiest people I know, which is a bit of a turn up for the books.

A new report by Knit For Peace UK says clacking away with a pair of needles can lower your blood pressure, induce a sense of wellbeing and slow the onset of dementia.

I’ve long thought my favourite pastime was good for mental health — it’s so absorbing it is indeed therapeutic as when you’re counting repeats of yo, sl 1 wyif, k2-tog, it’s impossible to worry about anything else. It’s a bit like enforced meditation.

But I think there are other reasons why it’s good for you. For instance, crack open a bottle of wine and pick up your needles — you will notice how you struggle to get through as many glasses as you would when just watching telly.

Similarly, count how many cigarette stubs lie in the ashtray when your hands are busy crocheting an amigurumi tortoise compared with a night of Netflix boxsets.

See how tempting that cream cake in the fridge looks when you know how sticky it will make your needles. Consider how difficult it will be even to get up and look in the fridge without losing count of your stitches or rows.

So save money by cancelling that gym membership and buy a couple of needles and a ball of wool. And you’ll get something to wear at the end of it all too. What’s not to love?

I’VE had a friend staying with me for the past couple of weeks.

He started off quite untidy, leaving the tea towel under the loaf of bread and the bath towel over a clean, dry dressing gown rather than over the heated towel rail.

But the longer he’s stayed, the more house proud he has become, taking out the recycling, tidying up my bedside table and other random acts of kindness.

I got home from work one evening this week to find him ranting about the pile of near to a dozen rubbish bags that had been dumped outside my house and were sweating and stinking in the heat as unspeakable rivers of goo snaked down the pavement.

“I’ve called the council about it - several times,” he said. “They’re useless. They said it would be dealt with in seven to 10 working days. But the binmen will come before then. It’s ridiculous.”

“Welcome to Swindon,” I said.