A RECENT spot of gang activity saw small rival factions from Penhill and Pinehurst abuse one another.

Their weapons included knives, a bat and an imitation gun.
I do wish our lawmakers would adopt the suggestion I’ve been making for years, a suggestion which would stop such nonsense in its tracks.

All we have to do is send would-be gangsters to some location where there are real gangs. Certain bits of America, for example, where they could become acquainted with organisations such as the Dixie Mafia, the Crips, the Bloods and the 38th Street Crew.

Survivors would only be allowed back if they promised to stop being so daft – and tell other fools of their experiences.

Here’s what going to jail really means

AS I may have mentioned before, people sometimes ask me what a statement by some politician, official or similar person actually means in plain English.

Sometimes they ask me in the pub after about 7pm, in which case I can’t answer in plain English on account of being too busy fending off the purple alligators with a bar stool and a jar of pickled eggs.

Anyway, better late than never.

One thing people have been asking me about lately is the horrible increase in the number of violent attacks in which criminals use corrosive substances as weapons.

“What is meant,” they ask me, “when we’re told the attackers will feel the full force of the law?”

Well, what it means is pretty much what is meant when we hear about other criminals feeling the full force of the law.

Or to put it another way, the thugs will find themselves in front of a judge. That judge, statistically, will likely live in the sort of street where anybody who looks a bit ordinary, never mind criminal, can’t walk more than a dozen yards before hearing the sound of sirens and being stopped on suspicion of casing the houses.

The judge will then tell the criminal something along the lines of: “You have been convicted of a violent criminal offence during which you flung a corrosive substance at your victim, who will bear scars and suffer debilitation for the rest of their life.

“However, I note from the social inquiry report that, among other mitigating factors, you were made to sleep in a draught as a child, your cat was a bit poorly at the time of the attack and you formed the opinion that the victim looked at you a bit funny.

“I am therefore persuaded that your prison sentence should be short enough to ensure you are back on the streets and free to choose your next victim within five years at most.

“Your recent victim, of course, will still be dealing with the devastating physical and psychological impact of your crime for the rest of their life, of course. Too bad, so sad.”

In the interests of fairness it must be pointed out that there is talk of making life sentences a more readily available option in such cases.

Also in the interests of fairness, it must be pointed out that there is no talk of making them mandatory, and that even if they were mandatory that wouldn’t mean much without a guaranteed substantial minimum term.

Otherwise life will turn out to mean: “After five years or so, convince a load of gullible fools that you’re really, really sorry and Bob’s your uncle.”

In any case, locking up attackers for long periods of time would occupy valuable cells needed for people who commit much more serious offences, such as saying nasty things about the great and the good on Twitter.

Apparently the Twitter problem is so bad that talented, good people are being put off going into public life.

Yes, that’ll be the reason.

It’s not, say, the prospect of rubbing shoulders with people who allowed the economy to be wrecked or took us into dodgy and deadly foreign policy adventures.

Or tolerate the need for foodbanks in 2017.

Or casually use the sort of racist epithets which were deemed foul by civilised people as long as 60 years ago.

Bring on the flying pigs

THERE’S a political row in Swindon over the long-awaited Kimmerfields development.

Labour councillors say that, with little progress and no private sector investment since outline planning permission was granted in 2012, it’s time to cut ties with the developer.

The Tories disagree.

Later this week the council is to showcase its masterplan for the town centre at a three-day public event.

Irrespective of the claims and counter-claims, the local authority needs to revise its approach to showing us its plans for the future, as most Swindon people have been taking that sort of thing with a pinch of salt since about the mid-1990s.

It needs to begin blatantly making stuff up.

Let’s have an announcement of a concert venue to rival the Royal Albert Hall, some hanging gardens, an overhead Maglev railway network whizzing commuters about at 300mph, a spaceport and free carriages for senior citizens drawn by unicorns, gryphons and cockatrice.

Nobody will believe it, of course, any more than they believe any other such announcement, but at least when something good does happen it’ll come, like the excellent central library did, as a pleasant surprise.