Rose Tinted (From Swindon Advertiser)

Rose Tinted

7:52pm Sunday 6th February 2011

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By Pencils Down »

The olden days were ace.

Seriously, think about it. Compared to 2011, the past was great.

A time when men were men. When men looked like men with Brylcreem side partings, natty suits and stern faces - none of this long hair, tight jeans and happy smiles. When men acted like men refusing to reveal love for their children, cry at something sweet or even look at the colour pink.

A time when a man wasn’t restricted to the boring 9-5 regime. Nah, back then a man had the pleasure of working from sunrise to sunset, barely seeing his wife, without having to get involved in the distracting process of bringing up his children. By not getting to know them, a man had more chance to focus on his work. Plus, by completely removing himself from his family life, a man would ultimately avoid the burden of having to be friendly and familiar with his offspring in the future as years of distance fortunately made the kids not want to know him when they reached adulthood. Winner!

And be honest, it must’ve been pretty cool to go to a football stadium knowing the police couldn’t really control the thugs. Taking your small children to see their tinkle-toed icons with a constant adrenaline rushed brought on by the fear of a vicious a group beating outside the ground would certainly bring a smile to my face.

What about the women? Oh blimey, women certainly had things sorted for them back then. Being restricted to non-flesh baring clothes meant they didn’t have to worry about expressing themselves or showing any form of individualism caused when choosing between high heels, flats, wedges, trainers, skirts, shorts, leggings, jeans, suit trousers, crop tops, shirts, t-shirts, jumpers, hoodies, bangles, jangles, earrings, scarves, hats and caps. A painful corset and an impractically long dress were just the small price to pay to make their dominating husband happy.

They didn’t have to put up with the stresses of working out who they wanted to run the country either because the lucky scamps couldn’t even vote. Plus, if they weren’t married, they could forget about freaking out about providing luxuries for themselves and their children because despite working just as hard, and in some cases much harder than their male counterparts, they didn’t get paid as much as them. Perfect! Just enough cash to scrape rent and have three meals a day then.

They certainly didn’t have to worry about staying in touch with, or speaking to, friends that often because those foolish phones that steal hours from our lives hadn’t been invented yet.

“But what happened if your car broke down in the middle of night?” I hear you ask. “How did they get help?” Well as they didn’t have to lug a pointless iPhone or a pesky sat nav around, those fortunate folk had the rare opportunity of walking for miles in the pitch black until they bumped into helpful strangers. Of course the ‘stranger danger’ campaign wasn’t really around back then so everyone trusted each other. But it was OK because serial killers from the past had cool nicknames like the ‘Cul-de-sac Killer’, ‘Jack the Ripper’ or ’Hannibal the Cannibal’, so you knew they were fun.

Good times.

They always say that aside from moving house, getting married is the most stressful time in someone’s life. Well, how amazing it must’ve been to be gay then. They couldn’t get married! Lucky fellas. Actually, they didn’t even have to faff about going on dates or falling for anyone during school or university, like the poor straight people, because they couldn’t even be together until they were 21. No wait, of course, it was even better than that. There was a point when it was illegal to even be together. So, instead of following their heart and being with the man they loved, homosexuals had the privilege of repressing their feelings, marrying women they weren’t attracted to and live a lovely life of secret misery. Kind of like a spy, or an actor. Cool!

Those were the days, and I’ve not even got to the black community yet. Where do you start with the fortunes they were privy to? To cut a long story short, they got to hang out in the gardens of fancy mansions owned by powerfully rich white people. And with so much outdoors time, no money and limited food supplies, they were free of modern consumer worries. That’s right, the past was brilliant. But do you what the best thing to have ever come out of yesteryear? The one thing I love, cherish and appreciate more than anything?

It’s the closed-minded, conservative, backwards generation who at any opportunity happily belittle and put down the social, technological and culture strides we have made as a modern, forward thinking society.

Whether ignorantly sharing these views in the canteen at work, during popular motoring or football television shows, or down the local pub, it’s these people that really help us progress.

So forget multiculturalism. Forget modern medicine. Forgot freedom of expression. Forget equal opportunities. If you really want something to smile about, I suggest you sit down with these reflective people and reminisce about the past. The glory years. The years of World Wars, oppressive governments and racial segregation. A world that existed years before I was born.

Thank God.

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Readers who submit articles must agree to our terms of use. The content is the sole responsibility of the contributor and is unmoderated. But we will react if anything that breaks the rules comes to our attention. If you wish to complain about this article, contact us here