Dynamics of life in one large shoe (From Swindon Advertiser)

Dynamics of life in one large shoe

11:03am Thursday 16th October 2008

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By Mum's The Word »

At the moment we aint fitting! The thing with shoes is that when you are a child, your Mum goes and buys you new ones when your old ones cease to fit any more. However, living in a shoe is a slightly different story. For a start there is only one and then when life no longer fits, the shoe is expanded instead of being discarded for a nice shiny new one.

From the onset, the shoe was a nice cosy, safe, warm place. We fitted snugly, but then little people started to grow and to acquire pets, who also started to grow and gradually were moved into the warm, safe environment of the shoe.

The guinea pigs were a fine example. It started with one, but then one became lonely and we added a second. Not a great problem in their little pad in the back garden. Then along came the winter and the research. When I was a chid, my guinea pig lived quite happily with my rabbit, in a hutch in the garden, all year round. Did anybody tell you that the internet can be a dangerous place? I think I am a prime example of just that! It is now advised all over the net that Guinea pigs should be moved indoors during the harsh winter months. So said Guinea pigs now reside in the shoe.

They have been joined by a slightly deranged house rabbit, who seems convinced that she is actually a dog and terrifies my small black cat! Then off course we have the big tabby cat, which reigns supremely over the shoe, as only tabby cats can.

In the kitchen live Fish and Chips, they are my youngest daughter’s pet fish. She changes their names continually, depending on what is currently in vogue. For a while there they were called Sasha and Chloe (those ghastly Bratz dolls.) Then it became Gabriella and Troy (High School Musical.) I gave up trying to remember their damn names and much to her annoyance, renamed them Fish and Chips.

I am sure that I once read that fish are only supposed to grow to the size of their surroundings? Not the case here at the shoe. When I was a little girl, goldfish resided in small, round glass bowls with a bit of plastic weed chucked in, after being won from the funfair and transported home in a small plastic bag. Then along came the net. Information sharing over a world wide web and the national joining of animal experts and campaigners means that it is no longer acceptable or possible to purchase a goldfish from the funfair (which I think actually was a really cruel practice.)

When I was a little girl, goldfish resided in small, round glass bowls with a bit of plastic weed chucked in, after being won from the funfair and transported home in a small plastic bag.

Goldfish are now purchased at pet shops, where if you go to a “reputable recommended over the net pet supplier” you will be thoroughly vetted and scrutinised before finally being allowed to purchase and take home a Goldfish, who by the way will now live in a much larger tank, equipped with air filters, to help with their breathing. This in turn has led to the fact that fish do actually now seem to outgrow their tanks. Daughter’s Fish has done just that and is now the size of a small whale (Ok, maybe exaggerating a bit there). They now require a new much larger pad, which will result in less worktop space in the Shoe’s kitchen.

I keep threatening to eat Fish for tea, but daughter says that she watched a film (Stuart Little I believe) where it was deemed cruel to eat a family pet. So new larger pad it is for Fish and Chips.

I don’t even want to think about the alarming rate at which the children are growing, which is even worse than their pets! Since when for example did 11 year olds have size seven feet? I am only a size 6 now and my Father’s feet seemed huge to me, as a child at size 9. If son is currently a size 7 at 11 and continues growing at the rate of at least two shoe sizes every six months, then what size will his plates of meat end up being? The shoe is full of shoes! Ok, I suppose what does not help is the fact that I and two daughters have a shoe fetish and tend to want to have a pair for each outfit!

So the shoe is bursting at the seems! Fortunately now we are working, the husband and I are saving in order to expand our shoe, by adding a log cabin. Argos and the World Wide Web can actually be quite wonderful places and it is currently possible to order a flat packed log cabin, the size of our living room, complete with laminate wood flooring and under floor heating! So the pets get a luxury pad all of their own and the kids an extra play area. That is the plan, however of course it means we shall have to look into whether we need planning permission for such a project and consider concrete. Shoes have never seemed so complicated!