Letter gave us a hoots, mon!

10:46am Thursday 24th May 2007

RESPONDING to the gentleman who seemed to object strongly to a Scotsman appearing on the reverse of the new English £20 note.

Then I remembered the following that makes the rounds in Scotland, and let's not forget, that the dear old Bank of England was founded by a Scotsman, namely William Paterson of Dumfries. So maybe, just maybe, it is appropriate for a Scotsman to be on the new English £20 note.

Wha's Like Us

As the average Englishman moves about the home he calls his castle, watch him enjoy a typical English breakfast of toast and marmalade invented by Mrs Keiller of Dundee, Scotland, see him slipping into his national costume, a soiled raincoat, patented by chemist, Charles MacIntosh from Glasgow, Scotland. And follow his footsteps over the linoleum flooring invented in Kirkcaldy, Scotland.

Out he goes - along the English lane surfaced by John MacAdam of Ayr, Scotland, smoking an English cigarette, first manufactured by Robert Croag of Perthshire, Scotland. He hops aboard an English bus, using tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop, of Dreghorn, Scotland.

At the office he receives the mail containing adhesive stamps invented by John Chalmers of Dundee, Scotland; and periodically during the day, he reaches for the telephone, invented by Alexander Graham Bell, born in Edinburgh, Scotland.

At home in the evening, his wife is preparing his dish of roast beef of old England - prime Aberdeen Angus, raised in Aberdeenshire, Scotland.

After dinner there follows a scene typical of English domestic bliss. Young Albert is packed off to Boys' Brigade, founded by Sir William Smith of Glasgow, Scotland; Ted goes to the Scouts, the present chief of which is Sir Charles MacLean of Duart, Scotland; and little Ethel plays on her bicycle, invented by Kirkpatrick MacMillan, a blacksmith of Dumfries, Scotland. Dad listens to the news on the television, invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburgh, Scotland.

Maybe, just maybe, he will hear an article about the Battle of Britain and remember that the radar with which the enemy aircraft were detected was invented by Sir Robert A Watson Watt, of Brechin, Scotland.

Once the children come home, Dad supervises the homework, using logarithms invented by John Napier of Edinburgh, Scotland. The English course contains familiar books such as Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson of Scotland, and Robinson Crusoe, based on the life of Alex Selkirk of Scotland. If by now he has been reminded too much of Scotland, he may in desperation pick up the Bible - here at last to have something without Scottish associations; but he is disillusioned here also - the first man mentioned in the bible is a Scot, James VI, who authorised its translation.

It's hopeless. Nowhere can he turn to escape the efficiency and ingenuity of the Scots. He could take a drink - but we supply the best in the world. He could stick his head in the oven - but the coal gas was discovered by William Murdoch of Ayr, Scotland. He could take a rifle and blow his brains out, but, of course the breach loading rifle was invented by Patrick Ferguson of Scotland.

And if he survived, injured, he would simply find himself on an operating table, injected with penicillin, discovered by Alexander Fleming of Darvel, Scotland; given an anaesthetic discovered by James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland; and operated on by antiseptic surgery pioneered at Glasgow Royal Infirmary, Scotland.

He could go for a round of golf , but even there St Andrew's golf course is the oldest in the world and is the home of golf. Always remembering, Scotland is the only country in Europe that the Romans could not conquer and Scotland is the only country in the world that Coca-Cola is not the best-selling soft drink. That's Irn Bru made by the Barr company.

Poor fellow he has now had so much of Scotland his only hope would be to receive a transfusion of good Scot's blood which would entitle him to ask.... "Wha's like us? Damn few, 'an they're a deed".

J Forster-Heatlie.

Thorney Park, Wroughton