Laughing Stock of the Carpathians

This has been proclaimed by our lawmakers and other members of the Great and the Good as a fine step forward in protecting the often very valiant workers concerned.

To which I can only say it’s nothing of the sort.

Should any of the lawmakers involved in drafting and voting through the legislation, or anybody with an important job title who thinks it will make a blind bit of difference, happen to be reading this, the following is addressed to you.

You see, it doesn’t matter what the maximum punishment for a crime is if the maximum is never imposed.

For the sake of argument, let’s suppose that the maximum sentence for assaulting NHS workers or emergency personnel had not been increased to a year in prison. Let’s suppose it had been increased to being dragged to the courthouse steps and impaled through the vitals on a nine-foot stake mounted in a block of concrete, while details of the crime were read out by an appointed official through a megaphone.

Now let’s suppose that every time - without fail - one of those offenders came before a court, the judge told them: “The maximum penalty for your offence is impalement. However, your lawyer informs me that you are ever so sorry.

“Therefore, I feel able to deal with this by way of suspended impalement and a modest compensation order.”

I’m not suggesting for a minute that impalement should be put on the statute books as a punishment for such offences. The sight might distract passing drivers for starters, and the screams would put those working in nearby offices off their lunchtime sandwiches.

However, can you imagine if Vlad the Impaler, who as his name suggests was pretty well known in his day for being fond of the old impaling, had only threatened to impale people but invariably imposed lesser sentences instead?

He’d have been known as something like Vlad the Community Order, Laughing Stock of the Carpathians.

For another example of crime and punishment, let’s suppose that the maximum sentence for hideous, perverted sexual offences was being fed to a big crocodile called Keith, but the judge told every offender: “Even though Keith is very peckish today, I note that you’ve signed up for a special course called Help! I’ve Been Caught Doing Something Utterly Sickening and Want People to Think I’m Remorseful.

“You will perform community service instead.”

Now then, you people in authority, what do you suppose would happen once word got around that no matter what you did, you would not be staked or fed to Keith the Crocodile?

That’s right - people would carry on committing their offences regardless.

Incidentally, recent court highlights in Swindon included the cases of a man with a knife who chased another up the street shouting, ‘Come here, I’m going to stab you,’ a man with a record for assault, threatening behaviour and possessing a bladed article who beat, kicked and permanently disfigured a person with learning difficulties for no reason, and a child porn collector who had about 2,000 foul images and a child-like sex doll.

Can you guess how many of those men were sentenced to so much as a day behind bars?

If you answered ‘None’ you’re a winner.

The rest of us, the ordinary people who have to live cheek by jowl with such horrors, not so much.