THE other day a councillor accused a fast food company of being complicit in littering because of discarded packaging strewn in its vicinity by customers.

Now then, while there are few things I enjoy more than a big corporation being given a right old clobbering, one of those things is being fair.

I haven’t been to the fast food joint in question lately, so I plan to pay it a visit before deciding whether the criticism is justified.

I’ll be finding out, for example, whether there are litter bins both inside and outside the place, perhaps marked with signs asking people to put their litter there.

I’ll also be finding out whether there are signs in and around the building saying things such as: “Hey everybody! Don’t bother disposing of your used packaging and food scraps responsibly.

“Don’t put yourself through the minor inconvenience of seeking out a bin for your litter, and whatever you do, don’t put yourself through the slightly less minor inconvenience of folding your packaging and food scraps into a neat little bundle, popping it in your pocket or bag – or just carrying it in your hand – and taking it home for disposal.

“A far better alternative is simply to chuck your rubbish into the road or on to a grass verge. After all, there’s nothing cuter than rats queuing up like customers at a buffet or gulls in gladiatorial combat over cold chips.”

If messages such as these are indeed displayed, and the place is a howling void as far as the bin department is concerned, then the fast food company is undeniably complicit in the littering.

Otherwise, the litter is entirely the responsibility of the lazy, pig-ignorant, knuckle-dragging, IQ-smaller-than-their-hat-size troglodytes who dropped it, and a great way of tackling the problem would be to have undercover litter wardens hang about in the vicinity, waiting to pounce on anybody failing to use the bins provided.

Incidentally, the other week I heard somebody in a TV news programme accusing fast food companies of making millions of us obese.

Therefore, while I’m down there at the fast food place, doing my investigating, I’ll also be looking for signs saying: “Every morsel of our food is completely lacking in fat, salt, sugar and other substances said to be detrimental to health if ingested in excessive quantities.

“That being the case, please feel free to visit several times a day, buy a dozen servings of our largest items with extra everything and then trowel the lot down your epiglottis in about 10 seconds flat.

“If you don’t feel up to the task of moving the food to your mouth yourself, our staff will be quite happy to visit your table with a dirty great galvanised metal funnel and ram half a hundredweight of your dishes of choice straight into your upper digestive tract with the thick end of a pickaxe handle.

“Remember - you haven’t eaten enough until the sweat you’re dripping with is actual bona-fide dripping, similar to the sandwich and toast spread popular in the olden days.”

If such messages are on display, I shall write to the board of directors and tell them they’re monsters.

If no such messages are on display I’ll be a bit worried, as it will mean I have nobody but myself to blame for the fact that there’s a fat bloke in the mirror - and that I must take more responsibility for my actions and their consequences.

Does that also mean I won’t be able to blame breweries and distilleries every time I wake up in a skip on an industrial estate with absolutely no idea how I got there?

Or that I won’t be able to blame the DIY superstore if I hit myself repeatedly about the skull with a hammer on the off chance that it’ll cure a headache? I hope not.