I’m trying to avoid politics this week. As a comedian from BBC 2’s The Mash Report I fear the bread. People throw rolls at comedians now like we are some kind of duck. I worry when I check my post in the mornings there will be an envelope with a white powder in it and it will be self-raising flour.

Fortunately there are other stories around to make us worry about the future of humanity without having to talk about politicians.

A woman has married her carpet.

In answer to the question that has probably popped into your head, no, I don't know what's happening to the world either.

Her name is Bekki Cocks. That was her maiden name. I don't know if she took the carpet's surname because I didn't think carpets could have names. I didn't think they could get married either, so what do I know?

There's certainly an argument to be made that if she could have changed her surname she may have wanted to.

She calls her carpet Mat. Mat doesn't call her Bekki because he's a carpet. They had a lovely ceremony in Manchester and Bekki even said, "I rug you," which makes her sound like Scooby-Doo finally opening up to Shaggy.

Bekki said: "I bought Mat about a year ago and I’ve been banging on about how much I love him to anyone who will listen ever since. It became a bit of a thing with my friends who used to joke ‘if you love Mat so much why don’t you marry him?’."

I feel sorry for any single man seeing this story and realising that even a carpet has more luck with women than you do.

Mat might be better than a man. He doesn't say stupid things, he doesn't go out drinking and you can walk all over him without hearing a complaint.

At least this is a variation from the usual news story we get where someone has married themselves. I say someone but it's always a woman. I have never seen a single news item where a man has done that. Do you know why no man has ever married himself? We're afraid of commitment.

That may not be true. It could be because a special day for a self-bride is a lovely event with a nice dress and all the attention. For a self-groom it's just another day wearing a suit.

Even thought I feel these news stories show the breakdown of the core of society I wish Bekki and Mat all the best. I hope she doesn't come home one day and catch him watching the Shake n' Vac advert.