If you are already approaching Christmas overload, look away now.

The following is the result of a sort of Christmas mania I have been experiencing in the last few days.

It’s thanks to being a volunteer with the English Conversation Club, a lovely initiative in Swindon libraries that helps people who are new (or newish) to the UK to improve their spoken English, but also helps them understand unfamiliar aspects of British life.

The latest conversation, naturally, was about Christmas, and started with crackers.

First you have to point out that crackers could be biscuits for cheese, going a little crazy or fireworks. Then you have to explain about the Christmas variety to people who have never heard of them before - which, it turns out, is virtually everybody who wasn’t born in Britain.

Picture a couple of Brazilians who had never seen a Christmas cracker in their lives, needing instructions on how to operate it.

Then we made the mistake of trying to explain pantomimes, but I’m not sure they really got the concept of ugly men playing women and pretty girls pretending to be boys, so we decided to give up before we got to the pantomime horses.

It’s only when you think about the Christmas that we natives take for granted that you realise just how many different traditions we have, and the countless images and motifs that you might find on cards and wrapping paper, which we instantly recognise as Christmassy themes. And they all have stories behind them.

There are so many aspects to Christmas, in fact, that we made a list (you could call it our crib sheet).

Cribs, Baby Jesus, stables, mangers, stars, three wise men/kings/shepherds, gold, frankincense, myrrh, angels, Santa Claus/St Nicholas/Father Christmas, Santa’s Grotto, Santa hats, paper crowns, elves, reindeer, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, Blitzen and all the others that only smart alecs can name in full, icicles, snow, snowflakes, snow globes, snowmen, Frosty the Snowman, sleigh bells, sleighs, Slade, Wizzard, Chris Rea driving home for Christmas, holly, ivy, mistletoe, hyacinths, poinsettias, Christmas cake, Christmas pudding, Christmas jumpers, Christmas markets, Christmas trees, Christmas lights, Christmas lights switch-ons, Christmas bonuses, Christmas number one, Boxing Day, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, chestnut stuffing, pigs in blankets, sprouts, cranberry sauce, mince pies, turkey, turkey sandwiches, Scout post, After Eights, advent calendars, bells, candles, office parties, wreaths (even though nobody died), carols, A Christmas Carol, Christingle, midnight mass, stockings, stocking fillers, Quality Street, the Queen’s Speech, Good King Wenceslas, Sellotape, chocolate liqueurs, chocolate coins, stollen cake, mulled wine, tinsel, baubles, selection boxes, pillar boxes, toy soldiers, school nativities, robins… Think of it as the list of Christmas Present, but there is also one for Christmas Past.

It’s for those of us who have grey hair and longer memories, and consists of all those things that used to be big at this time of year, but are now on the wane or gone altogether.

The Salvation Army Band, Morecambe & Wise, sherry, advocaat, Babycham, sugar mice, smoker’s chocolate sets, carol singers at the door, paper chains, tipping the paper boy/dustman/milkman, Blue Peter’s advent crown, Eat Me dates, nutcrackers, cheese footballs, Christmas cake with rock-hard icing and tiny silver baubles on top, angels on top of the Christmas tree, double editions of the Radio Times and TV Times, and how many shopping days are left until Christmas.

When you think about it, Christmas is impossible to explain in all its enormity, so I am going to stop here - firstly so I can wish you a merry Christmas, but also because I have to pop out.

I just realised we’ve forgotten to buy the Twiglets.