There’s a place in my heart for the Great Western Hospital. It has been there when I needed it. That may be why I have a natural urge to defend our NHS when I hear that someone is coming for it.

It’s not the person you think I’m going to talk about. This is not a Donald Trump column. I don’t even know if America would be bad at running the NHS. They chlorinate their chicken so they might manage to clean a ward or two.

I’m talking about actress Gwyneth Paltrow. She has a website and health brand Goop that sells things like a £40 tub of salt to put on your hair, which is basically seasoning yourself in case you meet a cannibal. She famously sells a candle that smells like she smuggled it into prison, if I can put it that way.

There are loads of health and wellbeing items on her site. For £26 you can actually buy psychic vampire repellent. Save yourself £26 and just think about buying it. The psychic vampires will know you’re planning it and they won’t bother.

On her site they say the psychic vampire repellent is an “essential oil blend of lavender, rosemary, and juniper”. Well, garlic gets rid of standard vampires so why not?

NHS boss Sir Simon Stevens said that firms like her Goop were offering dubious wellness products and “dodgy procedures”. She has defended her brand. She said that Sir Stevens’ claim were BS – you know, something that comes out of a bull.

I think she means that as an insult, but there is a chance that she thinks stuff that comes from a bull is actually a really great face mask and it’ll cost you £93.

She refuted the accusation that her brand is ‘pseudo-scientific’. On that issue we agree. Talking about getting rid of vampires by using different garnish isn’t scientific in the slightest. It’s barely pseudo-cooking.

Gwyneth said that such criticism is “clickbait”.

She said: “People are able to criticise us now in opportunistic ways. It’s a cheap and easy way to try and drive traffic to these sites.”

I’m not sure that the NHS is trying to get more people to its website. It’s the one business that has a better time the fewer people use it.

But Gwyneth might be right about me. Maybe my sarcastic joke-making about Goop may be nothing more than cheap and easy attention-seeking.

Quick! Open a jar of vanilla, sandalwood and sage. That’ll get rid of me.