I VISITED my father in the care home again recently. I turned up wearing my mask. He didn’t know why I had it on but he thought I was wearing it to be silly, which shows that he still remembers what I can be like.

I am trying to get as many visits in as possible because I worry that greater lockdown restrictions will mean I won’t be allowed to again.

We were told that a test and trace system would let us get back to normal.

Somehow the people in charge seem to have been taken by surprise that a test and trace system might include some testing. You wait until they work out how much tracing is needed too. There’ll be a shortage of greaseproof paper.

We were promised an app to make the system work but that hasn’t happened yet. We seem to have spent the last few years being told that our phones are spying on us and they know too much about us, but as soon as that could be useful we find out it’s not as easy as it looks.

Scotland has a version of an app that will track where you have been and with whom. It’s like a reverse Tinder; it knows who you have already met and makes it less likely you’ll catch something.

We might not need an app to spy on us because so many people are doing it already. There’s a heated debate about whether you should report someone if you see them breaking the rule of six.

Would you call the police if you saw someone in a meeting of seven people or more? It’s a difficult decision. You don’t want to upset them, they outnumber you. If they don’t outnumber you, you’re breaking the rule too.

Home secretary Priti Patel has said she would call the police on neighbours for breaking the rules but she’d probably call the police on someone for doing “counter-terrorism”, which means she’ll have a large phone bill.

I’d probably be willing to snitch if it was like in the movies. A detective would ask me what I’d seen, I’d pretend to have a bad memory, he’d offer me money and I’d suddenly remember. In real life it’s just being a curtain twitcher.

It’s important to know the details of the rule before you use it on someone. It’s not all groups of greater than seven that are illegal. The government has made grouse hunting exempt.

So, if you want to meet up with a lot of friends just take a grouse with you. They can’t touch you for it.