I don’t know if you have ever filled in a crime survey. I have recently.

Obviously I lied because I didn’t want to make it look like I live in a high crime area. It might affect property prices.

The truth is, I have been a victim of a crime.

A fraud. A scam and swindle the likes of which they should make a three-part Netflix documentary about.

I bought a Cuthbert the Caterpillar cake from Aldi.

It may seen strange for a grown man with no children to buy a cute anthropomorphised cake but my doctor said I should eat more greens and that’s what Cuthbert’s face is.

This week I read that Marks & Spencer has begun legal action against Aldi, arguing that Cuthbert infringes its Colin the Caterpillar trademark.

I’ll never forget where I was when the penny dropped and I realised I’d been conned.

I was back in Aldi because I was hungry for cake again.

M&S is arguing that the similarity of the products leads consumers to believe they are of the same standard.

Oh, what a fool I have been. Simply because they are both caterpillar shaped and have a man’s name I thought they’d be the same standard of cake.

Now I look back there were subtle signs that should have given it away. Like the big sign that said Aldi I walked past.

That was a hint that I wasn’t buying an M&S cake.

I also remember thinking, “The middle aisle is filled with tools, a scuba diving outfit and a lathe.” That’s normally a clue that you’re in an Aldi.

Aldi aren’t the only supermarket to sell a cake that looks like a garden pest but they are the only one being sued.

Waitrose sells a Cecil the caterpillar cake, but with a name like Cecil you know he has a good solicitor.

Tesco have a Curly the caterpillar cake but he sounds like he’d know some criminals, so you wouldn’t want to upset him.

Sainsbury’s themed cake is called “Wiggles the caterpillar”, but that’s not a name, that sounds like a euphemism for what you do that gets you banned from their store.

Are these stores all trying to copy M&S or is the idea of a chocolate roll sponge cake being dressed up as a long animal inevitable?

Having done much research, by which I mean having eaten a lot of cake this week, I have decided that I am neither #TeamCuthbert nor #TeamColin nor any of the other brands.

They are all a con. I looked on the ingredients and none of them contain any actual caterpillar. Scandalous.