This week (Wednesday) sees the switching on of the large Hadron particle accelerator in CERN laboratories Geneva. A machine, I believe designed to heat 'cup a soup' very quickly, if I've read the reports correctly. You judge. Apparently this, the biggest scientific experimental apparatus ever built runs the risk of when set to 'full power' is capable of creating a black hole or heating a pie so it’s burnt on the outside but still frozen on the inside.

There have been legal attempts by people who have to get their mum to remove spiders from the bath, to have the switching on banned or delayed fearing that the experiment will, if not causing the aforementioned black hole, start a chain reaction that will consume the earth in a deadly flow of what is known as 'strange matter'. As if the rain wasn't bad enough. I suspect the 'no monkeys' maybe creationists, sandal wearers or at least bedwetters, if not just Luddite’s.

There’s always someone worrying about what somebody else is doing.

However, if we are all going to pop our clogs on Wednesday, you should stop reading this guff and go look out some clean pants, because there is no way you want to be sucked into a black hole or fired off into space in anything less than pristine pantage. Remember what your mum told you. Well I’m reminding you now.

So if you have got to the end of this piece and you are still alive, it must be Tuesday. I would suggest you switch of your PC, and go do something you’ve been putting off, because tomorrow maybe too late. I, in the fear of it going to waste or Martians nicking it as it floats off into infinity in my cold bony gripping hand, will be finishing off a nice bottle of whisky, thus inducing a state of readiness for the impending doom and the total disregard for 'The Missus' being out maxing out the credit cards.

Good luck everyone!!

PS If you’re reading this on Wednesday….phew! We made it!

Pps Do you think I could say the credit card was stolen?